The Straw that Broke the 30 Year Old's Back

So the long awaited event of Hot Pocket visiting (me and Polly Pocket's other college roomie) finally rolled around this past weekend. I don't think that I am going to capture all of the gems that happened this weekend in this blog post, but I'm going to give it a good shot.

Friday: I worked from home, knowing that HP would be showing up before I would have gotten home from the office. I went to Walgreens to buy gum and some microwavable mac and cheese to cure my hangover and also found an Ed Hardy air freshener and decided that buying it as a gift for HP would be the best way to welcome her to Brooklyn. While ringing up, the air freshener had no barcode so as a line formed behind me, a man announced "Price check on this Ed Hardy car fragrance". I could feel my face turning bright red, but also thought that this event kicking off the weekend was the best possible sign and moved on. HP arrived around 3 pm and I was still working so she napped on the couch and I had some conference calls including one with my VP who was more concerned with "what time are you going to start drinking and are you still hungover from last night?" than the actual work. Glad that my general life priorities are becoming well known. HP and I ordered pizza for dinner and started texting TI-83 to see what he was up to. TI-83 is my best guy friend here in the city, but he also happened to live next to HP, Polly, and I during college. His response was that there was a group of people playing Rockband and getting drunk in his apartment and that we should come over. We ate pizza, drank 2 bottles of wine and were on our way to Soho. Upon our arrival, we quickly realized/loved that there were 2 of us and 5 guys. We whipped out our "contribution" to the party which was airplane bottles of Sambuca and Jaegar and a classy 2009 Shiraz which we immediately started referring to as "my grape drink". After polishing the baby Sambuca (7 people, not that hard if everyone takes a little sip) and HP and I finishing our 3rd bottle of the night, we were ready to go out. Two of the guys that we didn't know said they had an important proposition which was "If you give us that baby Jaegar, we will buy you shots at the bar." best.trade.ever

We got the this place called RBar and they wanted us to pay $40 for our group and wait in line for 45 minutes since there was a private party going on. I'm not sure how other people feel about exclusivity, but I'm just trying to get my party on at all times and could give a shit about where so waiting in line (esp in February) is not my thing. THANK GOD TI-83 and his roommate share this sentiment so we left and went to one of their regular spots. After one 20oz beer each and the shots of tequila that we traded for, HP and I were in rare form. At this bar, you could order food and instead of doing so, HP stood next to a couple and screamed to me "I'm going to steal their pizza." The dude turned around and said that he was finished with it, so she could have it to which she replied "What? I'm not trying to steal your pizza, I'm just looking at this beer (pointing at the tap)." Then she grabbed the pizza and ran back to us where we rejoiced in her food creeping abilities and ate the slices - good job. A few minutes later, HP was passing out at the bar and I was reaching my "I LOVE THIS SONG" about every song that came on stage. We decided to go to the next place and hailed a taxi. By this point, there were 5 of us so we tried to squish 4 people in the back and one person up front. This is usually okay to do in NYC, but this cabbie was not impressed. He started yelling (imagine the Indian accent here) "THIS IS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW" ... we all quickly jumped out except for one of TI-83's friends who started punching the plexiglass window in the cab. He then got out and started kicking the cab (I was laughing at the violence) and yelling "yea, drive away - what?" Loves it.

We finally got another cab and got to yet another place where we were asked to wait in line. HP started drunkenly mumbling (with eyes close) "Let the girls in" - we were the only 2 girls in the line. Some dude in front of us starts mocking her in this annoying voice and she stands straight up, opens her eyes fully for the first time in about 30 minutes and says "You are balding" - the guy was totally bald. I died laughing and took that as a cue that the night (at 1 am) was over. HP, TI-83, and I went to the pizza place next door and dined on some on NYCs finest cuisine for the 3rd time in about 6 hours. HP used almost an entire shaker cheese bottle on one slice and I was so happy to see bacon on pizza that I ordered a slice and kept the topic of conversation at the table on the gloriousness of bacon until we were done.

Before HP came up, we talked about the possibility of her meeting Sonic. I explained thoroughly that I refuse to have a boyfriend right now and that I'm disappointing myself by only having sex with one person since me and Bacon broke up so that it was ending, but I would like her to meet him for context. She agreed and also tried to help me devise a plan where we could use his apartment in Hoboken during Irish weekend event though he would be out of town. I briefly mentioned to him that HP would be here and that we would text him where we were to potentially meet up. In no way did I ever confirm or committ to any plans with him for the weekend. What I did wake up to were BBMs from 230 am:

• Woe
• Wow
• Really?
• Okay
• I'm surprisef
• surprised

Yup, nope. This is officially more over than it ever needed to be because you got weird. Have a nice life, cling-master. Friday night and me not inviting him out have sinceforth become known as "the straw that broke the 30 year olds back" ... looks like I am in desperate need of someone to smush ... that was getting way too easy/frequent anyway and was ruining my ability to be a whore without feeling guilty. Done.

Saturday: We woke up and walked around Brooklyn for a while (gorgeous weekend in NYC), cooked every kind of comfort food ever, and probably consumed 9,000 calories each during the day. We napped while intermittently watching a marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians until about 7pm when TPayne came home from a shopping trip. He said he had been "drinking and smoking all day" HA. He dropped off his "fresh gear" into his room and left for a trip to Walgreens. He came back with a bag full of candy and passed out eating the candy and watching Harry Potter by 9pm. Awesome.

After eating all day and napping for the entire afternoon, we decided to rally around 11pm and meet the girls at my fave place in the West Village. There was a huge group of us including JWow, her sister, and a few others that we went to college with. It was a total blast and we decided to leave for a new place. We again, pushed 5 people into one cab and the cabbie was not pleased. JWow put her head down in the back and we pretended there were 4 of us. Some quotes from JWow's high school/lifelong BFF (and UES native) in the front seat:

"5 people? No, there are 4 of us deal with it. Are you smokin the reefer in here? If you don't just drive I'm calling my dad who is cop and telling him that you are high and putting our lives in danger with your reefer smoking."

"What's your name? You don't know, hmm I don't trust this, let's close this window between us for safety/the sake of my nostrils, it smells gay in here."

"Are you gay? You have a girlfriend? Oh. Do you ever do her up the ass and pretend like you're riding David Hasselhoff? Yes you do, don't lie."

Yea, it was one of those nights. We got to the next place which had another line - fail. The other 3 girls eventually got in, but my zero tolerance for lines came out when I started screaming in a crowd of people "Unless Justin Timberlake is in that bar waiting to eat me out, I am not waiting in this line." I'm the epitome of class.

HP and I walked a half block to another bar where I had been once before and loved. This place has great live music and a cool jazz club vibe. We went in, got some drinks and the hilarity ensued. During a break for the band, 3 Beyonce songs came on in a row and when Bootylicious came on, it was too much for HP to handle. She jumped up and down and fell on a pole (think a pole that would support velvet rope). People pointed and laughed and we decided that this was a sign of good things to come, high fived a few on-lookers, and kept dancing to Bootylicious. Minutes later, a woman who barely spoke English grabbed us and said that we had to meet her friend. "He is hetero. No gay. This is important." We said hi to him and quickly retreated back to our spots at the bar. We were then approached by a guy who claimed to have a band and was a total freakin weirdo, so we did what came naturally. Whipped out our blackberrys and friended him. At this point, it was 3 am and I was pretty ready to finish my beer and call it a night. HP found an airplane bottle in her purse, dumped it in her drink and asked the bartender for "more Sprite" - genius.

We left the bar and walked up the street to the most crowded McDonald's that I had ever seen. Who ever had the business idea to put a 24 hour Mickey D's on a street full of bars was a genius. We were in line behind some bitch who was staing at HP so she obviously stared right back and started making comments... loves it. When that girl felt sufficiently threatened, she left McDonald's (we are alpha bitches and made her leave with our hateful stares) we were bitching about her when the very cute guy in front of us said "are you talking about my girlfriend?" I said that if his gf was the heinous bitch that just stormed out, then yes. We proceeded to spend the 10 minutes in line for nuggets telling these guys that we are sisters, accusing them of being gum ball salesmen for a living, and just being generally 4am obnoxious. They were pleased and impressed with us. They joined us in berating the poor McDonald's workers - one of them placed his order and upon being asked "anything else?" we started screaming that he wanted a side of gumballs and he backed us up on this claim. Mickey D's workers are not impressed by this at 4 am and apparently don't serve gumballs. These guys then joined in on our chant "we want olympic sauce" until they brought us some sort of chili something (I don't eat this crap enough to know if this is actually branded as Olympic sauce, but I went with it). We stood with these guys and ate our food, found out that they both live in Brooklyn - talked about sharing cabs home, decided against it, got more facebook friends, and then left.

On the cabride home, HP took my phone and drunk dialed EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHE KNEW in there. The only people that were spared:

• Bacon because she hates him
• GTL because I convinced her that she would not be impressed and would kill someone if she received a call at 4 am
• My boss who is living in Brazil because I explained that it was 7am there and it would not be nice to interrupt sleep for our entertainment (but somehow calling everyone on the east coast when it was 4 am - totally acceptable)

Out of the 25+ people that we called, the only people to respond were:

• Dude that I was smushing with when Bacon and I broke up Junior year of college, though he had no idea who it was and didn't have my number so we texted him obnoxious things until 5 am
• Guy that I had a huge crush on when I was abroad with him summer before senior year - he actually CALLED back. I decided that next time I'm in Philly I'm going to try to make out with him.
• Creeper that drove us to the bar every day during college/loved all of us but none of us ever even kissed him
• My sister (but not until 10am)
• Kid from college that we will call Brewster with a 9 am text saying "thank you for the 345 am call". I responded - you are welcome.

Sunday: When we woke up this morning, we decided that we are not eating carbs for the next month (successful for today, I might add) except for very important drinking occasions like Irish weekend and next weekend's snow tubing adventure. We spent hours looking at old pictures on facebook and came to the conclusions that we miss having our besties live no more than 50 feet away and that we need to be that skinny again right this minute. We also decided that HP needs to get promoted and move up here. Our goal is to have a camera crew following us around by the end of 2010 ... lofty, but maybe is all else fails we can re-enlist Creeper as our bitch and have him film our nights out so that we can rewatch them and laugh later.

Basically, thanks to some of my best friends, this was an unforgettable weekend and I cannot wait to post some amazing pictures on facebook for all of you to enjoy.

Until next time, smushes and smooches xo.

80s Night

Last Thursday, I finally went to the movies with JWow to see Dear John. We had decided well in advance that the only way we could stomach this movie was by getting drunk in the theatre with 40s and snacks during it. We chose a 550 pm showing, went to a deli beforehand to procure beer, and had an awesome night ....

The night began with us watching this movie. Not sure if either one of us understands/comprehends the full scope of the storyline, but here is what I do know:

1. The girls next to us were crying while JWow and I were SCREAMING "If xyz plot line happens I will fucking throw this bottle at the screen"
2. Laughing LOUDLY at inappropriate times
3. JWow literally saying "I have to pee so bad. This was something I should have anticipated, but I can't leave or I will miss the ending."

We both decided in the end that we will NEVER see a chick flick/comedy again without drinking and that anyone who has yet to experience the glory of sneaking 40s into the movies is missing out. When the movie ended at 730 pm and we both had a great buzz going on, we decided that the only responsible thing to do was go to the bar and not waste the 40s we just consumed. We went to a cool Irish Pub near Union Square and claimed our spots at the bar.

The crowd was definitely interesting. Included what JWow and I decided was an awkward eHarmony date, a dude wearing a Run DMC track suit and at least 4 gold chains (dubbed by JWow as "chains"), and two hipster kids sitting directly next to me. We got their real names, but JWow insisted on calling them "hat" and "salmon" ... they were answering to it. Once we noticed that Chains was sitting directly behind me, we did the only responsible thing that we could think of when we were drunk at 8 pm - take obnoxious blackberry photos of him and post them to facebook. Chains was not impressed. In fact, he called me out and demanded that I remove the photo from facebook. I showed him the picture and he was shut down. You see, JWow and I are smart enough to make fun of people while couching it by taking off center pictures of ourselves. In this case, Chains is in the background of a pic of JWow just chillin in this bar. Classic.

Meanwhile, we sat next to Hat and Salmon for about 2 hours creepin on their conversations about the NBA game on tv and I kept saying "I bet you they are from NJ - I fucking attract people from NJ like it's my job." At some point, they started talking to us and turns out that they are from Ohio. (my fist pump radar is not always up to par after drinking for 5 straight hours) We talk to these dudes for a while before I start demanding Taco Bell. They were hysterically laughing every time JWow or I said something along the lines of "I will kill someone if I don't get a taco in the next 5 minutes." ... this went on for at least an hour. Finally, right around 1am, we decide that Taco Bell is a must and we leave with Hat and Salmon. JWow and I flag down a taxi (note: Taco Bell was about 2 blocks away ... whoops) and Hat and Salmon awkwardly look on for an invite on our classy late night fast food binge. If you have to ask, you'll never be invited to Taco Bell, just sayin that they should have jumped in the car if they were smart. The night ended as you all would have guess ... me and JWow being really good Catholics by stuffing our faces on what was now Friday with some combination of mystery meats disguised as tacos and me breaking my Lent resolution for the thousandth time this weekby taking a taxi home when I was completely capable of taking a subway.

Smooches and Smushes xo

Random Thoughts that Probably Add to My Overall Character as an Evil Bitch

Everyday, I have thoughts in my head and LITERALLY as I think of them, I'm also thinking "what the hell happened in my life to make me so weird/mean/funny"? Some of these things are conversations that I imagine in my head that will never actually be verbalized, others are just ways of my motivating myself to do something that sucks.

Here are a few of these thoughts:

A month ago during Bikram Yoga - *It's only 115 degrees in here ... if soldiers in Iraq can stand it for months and years, I can do it for 90 minutes and not embarrass myself by walking out*

Last night during a "hill" in spin class - *My legs are buring, I'm going to quit ... no, no, childbirth would hurt more than this ... and if I think I might do that one day, I must not turn down the intensity on this bike*

Today on the very crowded A train about the fat lady huffing and puffing because I squeezed in next to her - *Lady, I don't mind cuddling you in this subway and I don't even mind it that you are at least 100 lbs overweight. But the fact that you are taking up triple the space that I am and YOU are pissed that I am squeezing in here is retarted and your fault. The MTA should charge fat people more money to ride subways (especially rude ones) since they are lowering the overall capacity of the transit system*

Sooo basically I'm an evil, heinous person and talk to myself in my head. I don't think that's the same as having voices in your head, but gives you some insight into my daily thoughts.

Smooches and smushes xo.

Are you trying to Valentine's Day me?

For those of you who know me well, you know that I do not particularly like Valentine's Day. In high school, I got tons of gifts from my boyfriend (our anniversary also landed 3 days after Vday), but somewhere along the line, this Hallmark holiday lost some of its luster. Let's recap:

Freshman year of college I was dating this guy, we'll call him Spank. Spank and I met on my 18th birthday at freshman orientation for college. I was a freshman, he was an orientation leader who unknowingly jumped into my Mom's car. Even though I had instructed her never to tell anyone at the college that it was my birthday, Spank jumped in and mom screamed "IT'S HER 18TH BIRTHDAY, THIS BETTER BE A FUN WEEKEND!" ... fail. Spank surprised my 18 year old naive self with balloons and a cake and 300 other freshmen singing to me at dinner that night. I.WAS.IN.LOVE. I stalked his AIM away message/profile all summer after that (days before facebook, we had to work much harder to stalk) and finally upon return for freshman year to begin, it was time for me to make my move. My move was sly - show up at any and all events that he might be going to including (but not limited to) Orientation Leader tryouts, Greek Life events (barf), Student Tour Guide interviews (he wasn't even a tour guide, but just in case - needed to cover my bases). Finally, right around fall break I had a steady stream for me and my friends to his frat parties, free rides there, free beer when we got there, and a crazy flirtation going on. Then, it happened. During fall break, Spank asked me if I would stay up at school and come to a "party". Knowing that most other girls (read: competition) would be home for the weekend, I agreed. I told my mom that I was sleeping at a friends house and I went back to school. The "party" was his best friend, that guy's girlfriend, and a few other dudes. Nice. We played the most insane game of beer pong for most of the night. They covered the ENTIRE table with cups and it took a good 2 hours to knock them all out. Once everyone was sufficiently inebriated, there was only one cup on each side. On a side note, I was on Spank's team and had not hit ONE SINGLE CUP (this likely will not come as a surprise to any of you who know me. I own at flip cup and cannot shoot pong for shit). It was my turn to shoot and Spank grabbed my shoulders, stared me in the eyes and said "If you hit this, I will be in love with you for the rest of my life." HOW ROMANTIC. Did I hit the cup? Of course I did. Did I smush with him that night? OF COURSE I DID. The rest is history ... sort of.

After that we were officially a couple. I thought I was the shit because I was dating the social chair of a frat who was 21 and had a car, and he thought he was hot shit because I was at least 20 times hotter than him. His annoying ass self started sleeping in my dorm every single night (he was a commuter - fail) and never leaving me along so I was over it. Valentine's Day rolls around and he goes AWOL for 3 straight days. I called him on Valentine's Day and he said he had to work. Since he was working for the University's security office we slyly had Bacon call up to see if he answered ... he did, bastard.

The day AFTER vday, he decides to show up at my dorm with a 3 foot tall card, some russell stover bullshit that LITERALLY has a CVS clearance sticker on it, and some half dead flowers. Nice try buying me some bullshit the day after, loser. He then invited me to a very important Valentine's Day themed "date party" aka keg at an apartment somewhere where it was hot and overcrowded. I dated this guy straight through April - literally "taking one for the team" because we were getting free beer out of the deal. Not one of my better moments. I cheated on him with Bacon one night and the rest is officially history. Spank never spoke to me again, but I think that him ruining my Valentine's Day might be the root of my hatred for it.

When I started dating Bacon, we had already been friends for the better part of a year, so demanding romantic dates was nearly out of the question. I honestly do not remember what we did for our first Valentine's day (red flag much)? Our "second" Valentine's day, we were not together and he was dating the most heinous bitch that I have ever met. My senior year, we were living 2 hours away from one another, and then when we were 22 we went on a trip to Florida. Was it specifically for Vday? NO. Did he even buy my airfare? Nope. We went to visit his sister, and just happened to be there during Valentine's day .... 5 years of failure rolled up right there.

Fast forward to present day. Hedge asks me if he can make me dinner "for Valentine's Day" some part of me immediately spews out the phrase "I effing hate Valentine's Day". Why? Not sure ... I wouldn't necessarily mind gifts, flowers, etc. He came back at me with "Your pain in the ass-ness is quite charming." ... awesome. So he then said "can I cook you dinner for Sunday"? Blah blah blah. So you already know from my last post that we went for Saturday instead. I was WIPED from Friday night which was awesome. I went out with my new boss, a bunch of Europeans (creeps when they are drunk), and our intern. The intern is hilarious - she asked me to come over this week, smoke pot, eat ice cream, and watch Planet Earth with her - YES PLEASE. I was so hungover on Saturday that I slept until 4 and then got ready and headed to Jersey. Hedge made amazing chicken marsala and we had some vino. We watched 500 Days of Summer and just stayed in because I was so tired/drained (even though he wanted to go out - sweet right?). Anyway, not sure if I said this before but he is REALLY GOOD at sex ... like really good. So that happened.

Sunday morning I couldn't wait to get the hell out of his place and I have no idea why. He was stroking my hair and saying I was gorgeous - my only response was "ARE YOU TRYING TO VALENTINE'S DAY ME?' He laughed for approximately 900 years and said that I am the funniest person he has ever known ... he must not know that many funny people. Anyway, he cooked breakfast and I used the excuse/real life issue of needing to trek back to BK to walk my dog and escaped. I got home and felt like crap the whole day from not sleeping the two nights before that. I got the first two discs of Mad Men from Netflix so I watched those and fell asleep (lame, I know). I woke up to 3 texts about how he misses me and wishes I were still in bed with him. Shouldn't I have butterflies in my stomach or something? Because I don't. I can't tell if I really like him or if I just like the attention which is sad and whoreish. Anyway, gearing up for a really fun weekend coming up so stay tuned.

Smooches and smushes xo

Rule #2 Stop Trying to Hang Out with Me so Much!

Okay so the big news in NYC this week was this heinous snowstorm. I can always work from home, so this was not a big deal to me and, in fact, annoyed me because my manicure place was closed the day I wanted to get a polish change. Not real sure why, in a city where very few people actually drive to get anywhere, the women who keep my nails looking fresh couldn't get to work ... but whatevs.

During what has become my daily (or all day long?) gchat flirting with Sonic on Monday (Hedgehog's new nickname fyi), he decided that we would be hanging out on Thursday night and invited himself to "crash with me in Brooklyn". I agreed and planned for Thursday. A lot goes in to having your "man-guy" sleep over on a school night ... need to clean the apartment, pick out work clothes for the next day so that he doesn't have to witness my daily wardrobe (lack thereof) meltdown, etc. So Tuesday rolls around and we are expecting this crazy blizzard and he asks if he should stay over that night since he was allowed to work from home Wednesday and that we could "get snowed in together". GTL ... I can already hear you saying AWWWWW!!!!! ... just no. I'm not sure how I feel about weekend/multiple times per week hangouts as is let alone working from home together and potentially spending multiple snowed in days getting cabin fever together. My gchat hesitation immediately made him say "you know what? I'm tired, let's keep it Thursday" ... good boy understand my life cues/random hatred of you for no reason. Maybe this one is a keeper.

Nonetheless, Wednesday (along with everyday this week since my boss left for Brazil) was especially gross-tacular and I worked for more than 10 hours with very few breaks to take photos of the snowstorm. You would think that I didn't grow up in the Northeast with the way I was amazed at the storm. Anyway, it was for the best that we did not attempt working from home together - I'm not at that level with him.

Thursday rolled around and he said he would be at my place by 730. He also decided that I will trek to Hoboken on Sunday so that he can cook for me for Valentine's day. I decided to make chicken parm (easy and a general crowd pleaser) and around 720 realized that I didn't own any bread crumbs. FML. I RAN to Walgreens ... apparently that little gem of a pharmacy chain carries everything from SPAM to Afro-Glo, but not breadcrumbs. Literally went into a store called Benhadi Supermarket (can't even make this up) to get the last ingredient I needed to make this gourmet meal designed to woo him with my "domestic skills" ... who the eff am I kidding? I am not a chef ... anyway ...

He ate my food, said it was good, cuddled with me while watching The Office. He also made a really good attempt at befriending Buster which was cute (but not successful - anytime he came within 6 inches of me, Buster was on my lap cock-blocking). T-Payne came in and of course introdiced himself like they hadn't met and shared a drunken heart to heart two weeks ago and then left. He also realized that I am one of the 1% of people in the US actually required to work on President's Day and was upset. He specifically requested my presence on Valentine's Day because "we don't have work on Monday". I told him German comany ... Germans don't care about US presidents. He changed out VDay "date" to Saturday and is begging me to see Avatar (barf). He is insisting that we see the biggest grossing movie of all time before it's out of the theatres ... I'm not generally impressed by 3 hour long movies :(

So we went to bed after some smushie smush and woke up this morning and commuted to work like a real couple. THEN I realized right around lunchtime that he already has me pinned down for a Saturday to Sunday hangout ... which means I saw him yesterday, this morning, tomorrow, and likely the next day. 4 days in a row is not okay with me and I'm starting to freak out a little. Bottom line ...

Rule #2 Don't Try to Hang Out with Me so Much!!

Why am I in New Jersey?

Why am I in NJ was the first thought that I had bright and early on Saturday morning ... next thought was "whoops". Let's back up about 12 hours and see what happened, shall we?

I went out to dinner with Hedgehog at Rosa Mexicana on the East side. We had sangria, great conversation, etc and then left to go to a bar. I'm 99% sure that he thinks I'm an alcoholic and just tries to impress me with booze and beer all the time. After 3 drinks he looked me dead in the eyes and said "So are we getting out of here? I can't wait to have you to myself." My normal self would have flipped the f*ck out and been annoyed and left without him, but my pitcher of sangria + many beers self was down for this. I told him that I couldn't stay up late because I had friends coming on Saturday (who had already texted me that they weren't coming due to the impending snow storm so I'm not real sure why I was lying, but I am also learning to embrace and love my drunk lies because they are hilarious and unnecessary). We got into a cab and he said Hoboken - I heard it, but did not protest since I was blacking out.

His apartment is AWESOME. He has a huge studio with views of the city but I was not that impressed with it when I woke up after a night of smushing, makeup still on my face, and realizing that my dog was probably committing suicide (don't ever get a dog). I stayed for a while, he made me eggs, we watched some of the movie Baby Mama (weird? a little.), and then he walked me to the PATH train ... the minute he walked away I hailed a cab I was not screwing around when it came to getting home as quickly as possible to walk the dog/go back to sleep. My favorite part of the ride home was texting all of my friends "Why did I wake up in NJ?" Responses included ... "Please tell me Hoboken at least" and "I hope he paid for your cab ride home." I have the best friends in the world <3 BAHAHAH

I slept most of Saturday away and then ended up going out in Brooklyn with a guy friend. We went to a spot called Camp which was awesome and looked like a summer camp (complete with the ability to make smores at your table - pretty cute). I was blackout drunk since I was obvi watching Mean Girls and drinking an entire bottle of wine while waiting for him to get to my place so when we got there and bought drinks I also gave the bartender an Amtrak ticket stub. He was impressed that we were "from Philly" and started giving us shots of Jameson for free... EPIC FAIL. I do not remember how I got home, but I woke up in my bed with my retainer in (thank god I remembered to wear that when I was blacking out).

Yesterday I walked to the grocery store and bought stuff to make my mac n cheese (I put prosciutto in it this time instead of ham ... genius) and GTL's buffalo chicken dip. I hung out by myself refusing to get off the couch and ate both of those things til I wanted to die of stomach pain and heartburn. Hedgehog texted me asking if I was busy this week and if he could come cook dinner with me and crash in BK Thursday night... he is trying to be my boyfriend and I don't know how I feel about it. YIKES.

Til next time ...

Smooches and Smushes

Weekend Update

Friday night I went out with my UES native friend "J-Wow" and a bunch of people who went to college with us but I didn't know. One kid was hitting on me and when Hedgehog showed up he was totally not impressed. This boy said "what is he, 30? you can do better than that you're beautiful". While I was semi-pissed that this man-child was making fun of Hedgehog, he is still cute and I will likely try to make out with him at some point if I drunkenly see him again ... In other news, J-Wow and her friends from work left the bar and before I knew it, it was just me and Hedge. We left to grab taxis back home and I looked at him and without even thinking blurted out "Sooo you coming to Brooklyn?" In the cab I let him know that I was not going to smoosh with him because "I'm not slutty" ... not sure why drunk me thinks/says that I'm not slutty because it is a total lie.

Anyway, we get back to Brooklyn and in the elevator of my building when I hear "Well isn't this cute?" ... it was the voice that I would learn to dread this weekend of my roommate henceforth known as T-Payne. T-Payne is 11 years older than me and our roomie situation is hilarious at best and horrendous at worst. Usually, he is quiet and works alot so we don't mind each other, but this weekend was a whole different story. We get into the apartment and T-Payne starts talking to Hedgehog (and pouring him Johnny Walker Gold ... barf) about his relationship woes and other things that my date does not want to be hijacked/talked to about at 4 am the first time he comes home with me. I finally got him back and into my bed ... let's just say that him being 7 years older is a better thing than I thought. He was probably a bit of a man-whore in his hay day (like when he wasn't old and was my age) and it has paid off ... just sayin. This is this first time I've been with a guy who made it all about me instead of just trying to get theirs ... and I loved it. We went to sleep at like 8 am - got a few hours of rest, then I had to wake up and put my bedroom back together because one of my besties was coming to visit!!

I sent Hedgehog home and met up with Polly Pocket and another friend in Gramercy at 5 pm. I felt like I was still wasted even that late, but GTL let me know via text message that I was probably just sleep deprived. Best text quote from the weekend was when I complained to her that Hedge was probs taking a nap and she replied that her older man-guy was too and said "Old livers can't hang. FAIL" ... love it.

Polly and I went to see her friend in an off broadway production of a Shakespeare play. That is a little rough for me to digest on a good day ... and this was not a good day. Hungover, sleep deprived, and not understanding old English, I was waiting for it to end. Polly's friend did a great job in the show, just not my thing (and I was totally relieved when she leaned over to say "I effing hate Shakespeare" - that's my girl!)

That night we went for a few drinks and headed back to Brooklyn. No sign of T-Payne so that was great ... until he burst into my room at 6 am completely smashed. He spent about 45 minutes harrassing me and Polly and making completely heinous claims like "You get points for living with a black dude." Polly asked "How many points does she get and how can she redeem them?" Not sure where he was going with that, but I was finally able to kick him out of my room and go back to sleep.

It was an amazing weekend filled with JWow, Polly, and smooshing .... til next time