Tuesday, April 20, 2010


This past weekend, I went to Philly to visit my best girlfriends. On Friday after work TI*83 and I drove down to Philly and hit so much traffic that I was just exhausted when we got there. We visited a few old friends and then I dropped him off at our guy friends house where he was staying for the weekend. I drove to Hot Pocket's apartment where we both fell asleep at 10 pm because we are old and sometimes need a quiet night of cuddling on her couch to solidify our sis-mance (girl bromance).

The next day was quite eventful ... the daytime consisted of HP going to spin class while I spent 4 hours at the hairdresser ... all the while we harrassed Polly Pocket about hanging out with us that day. We met PP for lunch, the 3 of us got pedis, then PP went home to ready herself for the night while HP and I took a much deserved nap, we had a rough day of drinking cocktails and pampering ourselves.

We met back up with PP at our favorite BYOB and proceeded to get totally and completely loaded. A train took us to the total ghetto (complete with a bottle of vino and a loaf of bread in my purse "for the homeless") where we snuck our booze into the Chelsea Handler show ... she would have been proud. After the show, we took another train to an open bar reunion where we met up with many old friends including TI-83 and JWoww. We got sloppier - this pleased us greatly. When the free liquor  stopped flowing, we took a cab to Manayunk where we went to Castle Roxx. We were the only 3 people in the bar above the age of 19, which did not please us. The next logical move was to go to our favorite dive bar Pitchers. Since we hadn't yet drank enough, we ordered a pitcher of Bud Light Golden Wheat. HP proclaims that her "friend" (aka guy she is trying to make out with) is coming to meet us. Since it was time for the bar to close, we met her friend and his roommate, who I will call Cougar Bait outside. HP asked them to come back to her place with us because the bars were all closed. They did ... she forced me to drink more wine and them to drink MGD 64 that was more than a year old.

HP and her friend passed out when his (really hot) roommate started rubbing my back and asking what I do in NYC. When I replied "marketing" he said "oh that's great, I double major in marketing and management."

Oh yes, he is a 21 year old senior in college ... PERFECT. At that exact moment I made the decision to fuck with that boy so bad ... and it went perfectly. He asked me to come home with him persuading me with "my house is only 2 blocks away". I played coy saying "I don't even know you" to which he literally replied:

"Do you want to see pictures of my family or something?"

That was not the end of his one-liners ...
  • CB: How many people have you had sex with?
  • Me: I will NEVER tell you that
  • CB: I've had sex with 6 people including you ... 2 were relationships ... I know it's not that impressive
  • Me: Well, you've got me beat (totally false, but hilarious)

  • CB: Can I get your number since you said you have to leave so early
  • Me: No
  • CB: Well, I can't find my phone, can you just call it from yours so I can find it?
  • Me: (silent failure ... CB wins this round)
During sex ...
  • CB: (runs his fingers through my hair) "Just relax" ... thanks, I've never done this before

  • CB: How often do you come to Philly?
  • Me: Never
  • CB: Well I can't wait til you come back
When I woke up the next morning (2 hours later), I was horrified to see movie posters from The Dark Knight, Godfather, and Fight Club framed on the wall ... I was not so horrified to see a quite gorgeous man child laying next to me. This boy is really hot. I woke him up at 830 am to say I was going back to HPs (2 blocks away) to which he replied "I will drive you" and he jumped out of bed to drive me the 2 blocks. Cougar Bait is such a gentleman.

HP and I went for bagels and went to visit GTL and her man-guy (who is going to Vegas with us and will be in this blog if he does something cool during that trip ...) at his new house. Very cool house ... they were laughing at my conquest from the night before. I drove home with JWoww and our other friend and made the decision that CB would be tortured by me for my general entertainment and for the good of this blog.

I decided that since he tricked me into giving my number to him that I should use this to my advantage. My first step was to text him.

Me: Sorry for making you wake up so early. I really had fun last night
CB: No problem, I needed a wake up call today. I wish I could have met up with you earlier instead of at the end of the night.
CB (after I didn't answer): Try to visit soon even though nyc is probably more fun
Me (2 hours later): Probably? Definitely more fun but I'll be in Philly in 2 weeks to go to a Phillies game and formal with HP
CB: Alright. Looking forward to seeing you.

The next morning, I facebook friended him which was great because he thinks I like him AND I can stalk his beautiful man-child pictures.

HP has instructed me that "for her entertainment" I should hook up with him again in 2 weekends. I probably would have done it anyway, but great.

While all of this was happening on Satuday night ... Polly Pocket got totally lost and wandered around Manayunk for over an hour totally drunk until her boyfriend found her traipsing down his street ... sorry girl.

Glad we are all such hot messes.

Until next time, smushin and smoochin.


Spring has Sprung...

... And so has my ability to whore myself out in the worst/best of ways.

Two weeks ago, I opted to not go to happy hour because my favorite co-workers weren't going. Instead I went home, drank 2 bottles of wine alone while watching Hostel, and passed out by 930 pm (great, glad I'm not turning into an alcoholic). I woke up to my Blackberry actually buzzing off of the nightstand - bbms from who else? Jack Dawson. He was in Brooklyn and asking me to come out. Real annoyed that he was booty calling me and expecting me to be around, I didn't answer him while my still-drunk self got out of bed and got dressed. I met him at Brooklyn Bowl where his bitch roommate ignored my existence and he tried to get me to have sex in the bathroom (it was too crowded). We took a cab back to his place where he informed me that I "could sleep over" ... yea, thanks. It's 3 am on a school night and we came from my neighborhood all the way to upper Manhattan, thanks for inviting me to sleep over (why are dudes so stupid?). So we "slept" and when the work alarm went off and I explained that my job is amazing and I was working from home that Friday, he was jealous.

He asked the following series of questions:
Jack: Do you want breakfast?
Me: Nope
J: Do you have clothes or want to take a shower with me?
M: No, I'm going home to shower, I don't have clothes with me.
J: Do you want to wait for me to get ready and we can ride the train downtown together?
M: No. ....

Then I snuck out while he was showering.

When did I become a total dude?? This is so great. Sex with no feelings. I AM IN LOVE ... with myself and my life.

Smooches and Smushes xo

Thursday, April 8, 2010

So it's Easter time

I went to my parents house for Easter this past weekend and a few hilarious things happened:

1. I battled with my 12 year old brother over who got to dye how many Easter eggs. I won because he used two of the eggs to make an egg-salad sandwich ... these counted towards his total egg count.

2. My brother and his friends have grown into hilarious pre-teens and say things like (and this is a legit and direct quote): "They were acting so gross at the party, doing stuff that 20 year olds would never even do. Like slapping ass." ... I replied of course with "That is gross, 20 year olds would NEVER slap ass." Then I laughed in their faces and told them that I would blog that quote.

3. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is a hilarious book - you should all read it, I finished it over Easter.

4. My cousin who was engaged has broken her engagement. While something so heinous should not make me happy, it makes me feel like less of a reject for having lived with a boyfriend and broken up.

Until next time - Smushes and Smooches xo

Pura Vida - It's Toats Costa

I am a total slacker (and very busy with work these days), but here is the Costa Rica recap by day:

Day 0/1: Slept over TI-83’s the night before we left and made an amazing dinner (tilapia) – I got to sleep on the pullout couch. Our 5am wake up call was no problem because we were so excited. We got a car to New Jersey (barf) and our flight out was at 7am. I sat with TI’s girlfriend Mamadita and we spent the morning flight getting buzzed on Screwdrivers. Once we arrived in CR, we took a public bus from the airport to the city (which we prematurely exited in the middle of nowhere) and arrived at our hostel. It was a bit shocking to be in a room with 3 strangers, sleeping in bunk beds, but I quickly adjusted. We walked around the city for a while (though there was not much to see) and ended up getting dinner at a pub. TI-83 quickly fell asleep so Mamadita and I went up to the bar at the hostel and had some drinks and surprisingly AMAZING quesadillas (this was a consistent and surprising theme in Costa Rica – I LOVED the food there).

Day 2: Another day in San Jose. We quickly realized that this is not a touristy city at all and would highly recommend that if you do this trip, you skip San Jose all together. That being said, we made the most of our day by going to a museum and sitting at an outdoor restaurant people watching. The piazza where the restaurant is was full of street vendors selling great things like colored bra straps, skip-its, and “MUSICA MUSICA” (cds). Another fantastic day 2 realization was that we could withdrawal 100,000 in local Colones and that was about $200 USD – BALLIN. That night, we stayed at the same hostel, playing cards, and drinking. We called it a night a bit early in anticipation of the next morning.

Day 3: This was the first day of a 2-day rafting trip that we were taking. We got in a shuttle and took a 2 hour drive to the Rio Pacuare. Once at the river, the 3 of us, one guide, and a rescue kayaker die 18 miles in class 1 and 2 rapids until we reached our camp. Throughout the day, we were also able to hike up some waterfalls and jump off of rocks into the water. Our camp was total Swiss Family Robinson and very VIP. There was no electricity and it reminded me of the show Land of the Lost when the nighttime fog started rolling in. There was nothing more relaxing then falling asleep in a hammock under a roof in the pouring rain (rainforests are, in fact, rainy).

Day 4: We woke up early to the most delicious breakfast that I have ever tasted (prepared by our guides Ivan and Graybean) – then embarked on some more rafting. We were able to get out of the raft and hike up more waterfalls. About half way through the day, we started hitting some serious Class 4 rapids. On one rapid, TI-83 fell completely out of the raft and had to be rescued by a kayak. The trip was exhausting but well worth it! That night, we were on to La Fortuna – a town that is well-known for having an active volcano towering over it. The hostel was really nice and we had a private room/bathroom (yay).

Day 5: We woke up early for our 7am pickup to go canyoning (rappelling). We rappelled down 4 waterfalls and one cliff. (The highest waterfall was 185 feet high! We are so extreme). One of our instructors was named (nicknamed?) Cowface – he asked me if I had a boyfriend in the US and if I wanted a Costa Rican boyfriend. Of course, I had to be obnoxious and say that I wanted him to be my CRBF. He took this REALLY seriously and offered to drive the three of us to the volcano in his personal vehicle later that day. Since TI-83 was egging him on the entire time, I decided that he would have to get me out of this. I ran away like a 10 year old girl while my trusty travel buddy/pimp let Cowface down gently. This was only after I was forced to awkwardly sit next to my suitor for a 30 minute van ride thanks to TI. Later that day, we decided to go on a horseback ride up the volcano to see a waterfall. My horse was named Paccharo, but I kept calling him Pikachu. This did not please him which is why he constantly tried to trot or gallop so that I would fall off (great pictures of my face posted on TI’s facebook if you want a good laugh). Once we got up to the waterfall, our guide said that we would take a “short hike” to go swimming. TI and I decided to make the hike barefoot and in swim suits. MAJOR MISTAKE. By “short-hike” our guide really meant hour long trek through the rainforest down the side of a cliff … fyi always wear shoes on anything called a hike. The waterfall was beautiful and the swim was refreshing.

Day 6: We spent the majority of the day in a van on the way to Monte Verde – a GORGEOUS region that looks like the Sound of Music. That being said – please keep in mind should your travels ever take you to Costa Rica that the drivers are insane and the roads are not paved … at all. When we got the Monte Verde, we went to a zip lining tour which was amazing. We did 11 zip lines and even had the chance to do a “superman” line where the pullies were strapped to our backs like we were flying – completely amazing and totally recommended.

Day 7: This was my least favorite day, but a means to an AMAZING end. We spent 7 hours in one of the death-trap vans getting to Montezuma. Montezuma is a beautiful and charming little beach town. Our hotel was gorgeous and right on the beach. That night, we had guaro (CR’s national liquor), cheese, and fruit for dinner right outside of our room and fell asleep early after some seashell searching on the beach.

Day 8: We woke up early for breakfast and some beachtime and then headed to town to meet up with our surf instructors. All 3 of us were able to stand up on the surf boards, and we all managed to get major sunburn even though we were wearing SPF 50. While our instructors were washing off the surfboards, we saw a Howler Monkey … I was VERY impressed by the wildlife living in the bamboo.

Day 9: Sadly, this was the end of our beach time, but like the VIPs that we were on this trip, we chartered a speedboat from Montezuma to Jaco Beach to get back to San Jose (instead of the 10 hour bus ride). We returned back to our original hostel and spent one more night before our flight out on day 10.

All in all, this was the vacation that I had always dreamed of – lots of adventure and an amazing time. It is definitely something that I will never forget!