Tuesday, April 20, 2010


This past weekend, I went to Philly to visit my best girlfriends. On Friday after work TI*83 and I drove down to Philly and hit so much traffic that I was just exhausted when we got there. We visited a few old friends and then I dropped him off at our guy friends house where he was staying for the weekend. I drove to Hot Pocket's apartment where we both fell asleep at 10 pm because we are old and sometimes need a quiet night of cuddling on her couch to solidify our sis-mance (girl bromance).

The next day was quite eventful ... the daytime consisted of HP going to spin class while I spent 4 hours at the hairdresser ... all the while we harrassed Polly Pocket about hanging out with us that day. We met PP for lunch, the 3 of us got pedis, then PP went home to ready herself for the night while HP and I took a much deserved nap, we had a rough day of drinking cocktails and pampering ourselves.

We met back up with PP at our favorite BYOB and proceeded to get totally and completely loaded. A train took us to the total ghetto (complete with a bottle of vino and a loaf of bread in my purse "for the homeless") where we snuck our booze into the Chelsea Handler show ... she would have been proud. After the show, we took another train to an open bar reunion where we met up with many old friends including TI-83 and JWoww. We got sloppier - this pleased us greatly. When the free liquor  stopped flowing, we took a cab to Manayunk where we went to Castle Roxx. We were the only 3 people in the bar above the age of 19, which did not please us. The next logical move was to go to our favorite dive bar Pitchers. Since we hadn't yet drank enough, we ordered a pitcher of Bud Light Golden Wheat. HP proclaims that her "friend" (aka guy she is trying to make out with) is coming to meet us. Since it was time for the bar to close, we met her friend and his roommate, who I will call Cougar Bait outside. HP asked them to come back to her place with us because the bars were all closed. They did ... she forced me to drink more wine and them to drink MGD 64 that was more than a year old.

HP and her friend passed out when his (really hot) roommate started rubbing my back and asking what I do in NYC. When I replied "marketing" he said "oh that's great, I double major in marketing and management."

Oh yes, he is a 21 year old senior in college ... PERFECT. At that exact moment I made the decision to fuck with that boy so bad ... and it went perfectly. He asked me to come home with him persuading me with "my house is only 2 blocks away". I played coy saying "I don't even know you" to which he literally replied:

"Do you want to see pictures of my family or something?"

That was not the end of his one-liners ...
  • CB: How many people have you had sex with?
  • Me: I will NEVER tell you that
  • CB: I've had sex with 6 people including you ... 2 were relationships ... I know it's not that impressive
  • Me: Well, you've got me beat (totally false, but hilarious)

  • CB: Can I get your number since you said you have to leave so early
  • Me: No
  • CB: Well, I can't find my phone, can you just call it from yours so I can find it?
  • Me: (silent failure ... CB wins this round)
During sex ...
  • CB: (runs his fingers through my hair) "Just relax" ... thanks, I've never done this before

  • CB: How often do you come to Philly?
  • Me: Never
  • CB: Well I can't wait til you come back
When I woke up the next morning (2 hours later), I was horrified to see movie posters from The Dark Knight, Godfather, and Fight Club framed on the wall ... I was not so horrified to see a quite gorgeous man child laying next to me. This boy is really hot. I woke him up at 830 am to say I was going back to HPs (2 blocks away) to which he replied "I will drive you" and he jumped out of bed to drive me the 2 blocks. Cougar Bait is such a gentleman.

HP and I went for bagels and went to visit GTL and her man-guy (who is going to Vegas with us and will be in this blog if he does something cool during that trip ...) at his new house. Very cool house ... they were laughing at my conquest from the night before. I drove home with JWoww and our other friend and made the decision that CB would be tortured by me for my general entertainment and for the good of this blog.

I decided that since he tricked me into giving my number to him that I should use this to my advantage. My first step was to text him.

Me: Sorry for making you wake up so early. I really had fun last night
CB: No problem, I needed a wake up call today. I wish I could have met up with you earlier instead of at the end of the night.
CB (after I didn't answer): Try to visit soon even though nyc is probably more fun
Me (2 hours later): Probably? Definitely more fun but I'll be in Philly in 2 weeks to go to a Phillies game and formal with HP
CB: Alright. Looking forward to seeing you.

The next morning, I facebook friended him which was great because he thinks I like him AND I can stalk his beautiful man-child pictures.

HP has instructed me that "for her entertainment" I should hook up with him again in 2 weekends. I probably would have done it anyway, but great.

While all of this was happening on Satuday night ... Polly Pocket got totally lost and wandered around Manayunk for over an hour totally drunk until her boyfriend found her traipsing down his street ... sorry girl.

Glad we are all such hot messes.

Until next time, smushin and smoochin.


Spring has Sprung...

... And so has my ability to whore myself out in the worst/best of ways.

Two weeks ago, I opted to not go to happy hour because my favorite co-workers weren't going. Instead I went home, drank 2 bottles of wine alone while watching Hostel, and passed out by 930 pm (great, glad I'm not turning into an alcoholic). I woke up to my Blackberry actually buzzing off of the nightstand - bbms from who else? Jack Dawson. He was in Brooklyn and asking me to come out. Real annoyed that he was booty calling me and expecting me to be around, I didn't answer him while my still-drunk self got out of bed and got dressed. I met him at Brooklyn Bowl where his bitch roommate ignored my existence and he tried to get me to have sex in the bathroom (it was too crowded). We took a cab back to his place where he informed me that I "could sleep over" ... yea, thanks. It's 3 am on a school night and we came from my neighborhood all the way to upper Manhattan, thanks for inviting me to sleep over (why are dudes so stupid?). So we "slept" and when the work alarm went off and I explained that my job is amazing and I was working from home that Friday, he was jealous.

He asked the following series of questions:
Jack: Do you want breakfast?
Me: Nope
J: Do you have clothes or want to take a shower with me?
M: No, I'm going home to shower, I don't have clothes with me.
J: Do you want to wait for me to get ready and we can ride the train downtown together?
M: No. ....

Then I snuck out while he was showering.

When did I become a total dude?? This is so great. Sex with no feelings. I AM IN LOVE ... with myself and my life.

Smooches and Smushes xo

Thursday, April 8, 2010

So it's Easter time

I went to my parents house for Easter this past weekend and a few hilarious things happened:

1. I battled with my 12 year old brother over who got to dye how many Easter eggs. I won because he used two of the eggs to make an egg-salad sandwich ... these counted towards his total egg count.

2. My brother and his friends have grown into hilarious pre-teens and say things like (and this is a legit and direct quote): "They were acting so gross at the party, doing stuff that 20 year olds would never even do. Like slapping ass." ... I replied of course with "That is gross, 20 year olds would NEVER slap ass." Then I laughed in their faces and told them that I would blog that quote.

3. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is a hilarious book - you should all read it, I finished it over Easter.

4. My cousin who was engaged has broken her engagement. While something so heinous should not make me happy, it makes me feel like less of a reject for having lived with a boyfriend and broken up.

Until next time - Smushes and Smooches xo

Pura Vida - It's Toats Costa

I am a total slacker (and very busy with work these days), but here is the Costa Rica recap by day:

Day 0/1: Slept over TI-83’s the night before we left and made an amazing dinner (tilapia) – I got to sleep on the pullout couch. Our 5am wake up call was no problem because we were so excited. We got a car to New Jersey (barf) and our flight out was at 7am. I sat with TI’s girlfriend Mamadita and we spent the morning flight getting buzzed on Screwdrivers. Once we arrived in CR, we took a public bus from the airport to the city (which we prematurely exited in the middle of nowhere) and arrived at our hostel. It was a bit shocking to be in a room with 3 strangers, sleeping in bunk beds, but I quickly adjusted. We walked around the city for a while (though there was not much to see) and ended up getting dinner at a pub. TI-83 quickly fell asleep so Mamadita and I went up to the bar at the hostel and had some drinks and surprisingly AMAZING quesadillas (this was a consistent and surprising theme in Costa Rica – I LOVED the food there).

Day 2: Another day in San Jose. We quickly realized that this is not a touristy city at all and would highly recommend that if you do this trip, you skip San Jose all together. That being said, we made the most of our day by going to a museum and sitting at an outdoor restaurant people watching. The piazza where the restaurant is was full of street vendors selling great things like colored bra straps, skip-its, and “MUSICA MUSICA” (cds). Another fantastic day 2 realization was that we could withdrawal 100,000 in local Colones and that was about $200 USD – BALLIN. That night, we stayed at the same hostel, playing cards, and drinking. We called it a night a bit early in anticipation of the next morning.

Day 3: This was the first day of a 2-day rafting trip that we were taking. We got in a shuttle and took a 2 hour drive to the Rio Pacuare. Once at the river, the 3 of us, one guide, and a rescue kayaker die 18 miles in class 1 and 2 rapids until we reached our camp. Throughout the day, we were also able to hike up some waterfalls and jump off of rocks into the water. Our camp was total Swiss Family Robinson and very VIP. There was no electricity and it reminded me of the show Land of the Lost when the nighttime fog started rolling in. There was nothing more relaxing then falling asleep in a hammock under a roof in the pouring rain (rainforests are, in fact, rainy).

Day 4: We woke up early to the most delicious breakfast that I have ever tasted (prepared by our guides Ivan and Graybean) – then embarked on some more rafting. We were able to get out of the raft and hike up more waterfalls. About half way through the day, we started hitting some serious Class 4 rapids. On one rapid, TI-83 fell completely out of the raft and had to be rescued by a kayak. The trip was exhausting but well worth it! That night, we were on to La Fortuna – a town that is well-known for having an active volcano towering over it. The hostel was really nice and we had a private room/bathroom (yay).

Day 5: We woke up early for our 7am pickup to go canyoning (rappelling). We rappelled down 4 waterfalls and one cliff. (The highest waterfall was 185 feet high! We are so extreme). One of our instructors was named (nicknamed?) Cowface – he asked me if I had a boyfriend in the US and if I wanted a Costa Rican boyfriend. Of course, I had to be obnoxious and say that I wanted him to be my CRBF. He took this REALLY seriously and offered to drive the three of us to the volcano in his personal vehicle later that day. Since TI-83 was egging him on the entire time, I decided that he would have to get me out of this. I ran away like a 10 year old girl while my trusty travel buddy/pimp let Cowface down gently. This was only after I was forced to awkwardly sit next to my suitor for a 30 minute van ride thanks to TI. Later that day, we decided to go on a horseback ride up the volcano to see a waterfall. My horse was named Paccharo, but I kept calling him Pikachu. This did not please him which is why he constantly tried to trot or gallop so that I would fall off (great pictures of my face posted on TI’s facebook if you want a good laugh). Once we got up to the waterfall, our guide said that we would take a “short hike” to go swimming. TI and I decided to make the hike barefoot and in swim suits. MAJOR MISTAKE. By “short-hike” our guide really meant hour long trek through the rainforest down the side of a cliff … fyi always wear shoes on anything called a hike. The waterfall was beautiful and the swim was refreshing.

Day 6: We spent the majority of the day in a van on the way to Monte Verde – a GORGEOUS region that looks like the Sound of Music. That being said – please keep in mind should your travels ever take you to Costa Rica that the drivers are insane and the roads are not paved … at all. When we got the Monte Verde, we went to a zip lining tour which was amazing. We did 11 zip lines and even had the chance to do a “superman” line where the pullies were strapped to our backs like we were flying – completely amazing and totally recommended.

Day 7: This was my least favorite day, but a means to an AMAZING end. We spent 7 hours in one of the death-trap vans getting to Montezuma. Montezuma is a beautiful and charming little beach town. Our hotel was gorgeous and right on the beach. That night, we had guaro (CR’s national liquor), cheese, and fruit for dinner right outside of our room and fell asleep early after some seashell searching on the beach.

Day 8: We woke up early for breakfast and some beachtime and then headed to town to meet up with our surf instructors. All 3 of us were able to stand up on the surf boards, and we all managed to get major sunburn even though we were wearing SPF 50. While our instructors were washing off the surfboards, we saw a Howler Monkey … I was VERY impressed by the wildlife living in the bamboo.

Day 9: Sadly, this was the end of our beach time, but like the VIPs that we were on this trip, we chartered a speedboat from Montezuma to Jaco Beach to get back to San Jose (instead of the 10 hour bus ride). We returned back to our original hostel and spent one more night before our flight out on day 10.

All in all, this was the vacation that I had always dreamed of – lots of adventure and an amazing time. It is definitely something that I will never forget!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

As the winter winds down ...

Before Spring comes rolling in, I thought I would recap (since I've been slacking) some of the fantastic things that have been going on in my life these past few weeks before my fabulous vacation to Costa Rica (go ahead, be jealous) ...

Snowtubing and drinking
Two weekends in a row, I hung out with JWow and her co workers. The first weekend was a snowtubing and beer tasting trip in Connecticut. After a day full of injuries (and the realization that my Sony camera is a beast and can never be broken) and some beer, we went to Blockheads for some margartias. That was about as much as I could handle that weekend since my whole body was in pain for a literal week after the trip. The next weekend (which was also the night before Hoboken St. Patty's) we went to a country music playing bar on Friday night after work. A few notable things happened this night:

1. JWow made friends with a frightening man named Sleeves (sleeved tattoo arms) who made his friends buy us all shots of Jameson (I was the only girl to actually do the shot).
2. JWow's gay bff Pauly D showed up and gave me my first motorboat of life. Quite the shocking experience when you are dancing with someone and they motorboat you ...
3. We drank many fishbowls and were being generally obnoxious at the bar (not a surprise)

Even after this fun night, we all met up at the PATH train at 1030 am to go to Hoboken and celebrate for the day. It was a gorgeous day in Hoboken and we started the day off at an apartment party. After the cops came twice and the guys that live there got $4,000 in fines for people throwing things out the window, we decided to leave. My favorite quote from that party was (In reference to a girl wearing too-tight leggings with a muffin top): "She has zero respect for this party ... it's just disrespectful."

We left the party and went to another place for a party. It ended up being a big college reunion INCLUDING the first one night stand that I ever had showing up (awks). All in all, it was a really fun day full of FREE day drinking. At 730 pm we decided to take the PATH home and it was SWAMPED. On the PATH train, one of our friends started cuddling with a guy and saying it was her path boyfriend. My favorite part was the whole train car singing the national anthem ... all in all, a solid performance for Hoboken St. Patty's Day.

The Great Storm
This past weekend, we had 2 full days of torrential downpours that led to power outages and really bad driving conditions. Saturday night, I thought it was high time to do two strategic things ... 1. see JWow one last time before my upcoming vacay and 2. make out with someone. Two birds. One Stone. JWow texted me that some guys wanted us to hang out and that I should meet everyone on the UES at their apartment. After an hour and a half of delayed buses, powerless trains, and taxis stuck on the FDR, I finally made it all the way up town. I had a few glasses of vino and some champagne and we immediately (of course) went back downtown to the bar. At the bar, JWow switched to water because she was already feeling sick, everyone we were with started saying "Here, here" every time we took a sip of our drinks (trying to bring back the days of Titanic), and shots of Patron were also being consumed. Jack Dawson (who was previously unnamed in this blog, but was the guy who confronted Hedge the first night that I boned him) was flirting with me (in person and via BBM while we were at the same bar ... lame, but whatever). Obviously we were dancing, started making out, and getting REALLY inappropriate on the dance floor. He propositioned me (or I propositioned him?? doesn't matter) but for multiple lady reasons, it was not going to happen (one reason being my preparation for an upcoming wax appointment for vacation). Instead, I decided to lay down the law by literally pointing my finger in his face and saying:

"I will hang out with you on Tuesday. We will bone and you will not try, in any way, shape, or form, to be my boyfriend. If you even try to call me the next day, I will be REAL PISSED." He laughed and agreed. Later that night, I threw up in a cab - so classy and then had to go home on Sunday to give the dog to my family to babysit while I'm away.

St. Patty's Day - NYC
So turns out that Jack and I didn't meet up until Wednesday which was also St. Patty's day. Buckle your seatbelts faithful blog readers, this is an epic story ...

So Wednesday I had to work, but I left around 430 to meet a friend for a few beers before I got waxed for vacation (bad timing with St. Pattys huh??). So I had 2 beers and headed to the spa - fyi, quickest way to kill any buzz is to get your whole self waxed ... epic fail. I went to the bar and had too many beers and shots of Jameson then for tapas. TI-83 showed up, realized who I was bbming with (Jack) and started telling me he was a "penis". I took that as my cue to ditch the CPA and get out of there to meet up with said penis. After 2 bars, lots of beers, and hanging out with his roomie in Union Square til 3 am, went back to their apartment and stayed awake all night if you catch my drift (which was very fun and I'm pretty sure I will continue this upon my return). I woke up this morning at 6 am, realized that I am SO FAR from my apartment and my office and had to walk/subway of shame all the way to the village.

I sketchily snuck into the office wearing the same clothes as yesterday, no makeup on my face, looking like hell. LUCKILY I had an extra outfit in my desk (don't ask) so I'm all set for today - but need to be more prepared for next time.

Until after vacation - Smushes and Smooches xo

Friday, March 12, 2010

It's been a while

So this post is going to be majorly long ... take a deep breath, get a snack, and enjoy the hilarity that is my life.

After Hot Pocket left that weekend, work has gotten really crazy (hence my lack of posting for the past few weeks) and weeknight outings have been slowing down (not completely and this is temporary - I promise). That being said, I have been having ALOT of fun and with my friends, you never know what is going to happen:

Hedgehog update:
At the advice of one of the smartest single ladies that I know, I blocked him on BBM and gchat and was told "he will just think you are always offline" - this did not stop him from straight texting, calling, and emailing me at work and my gmail - FAIL. I basically ignored him until I got this email and I quote:

"hey, so I get the hint and usually i would just let it go and move on but for sanity sake can you tell me what happened? In all honesty I just I just can't figure it out. Usually its pretty obvious but with you, not so much because the last time we saw each other I thought things were going good (if not great) and then you went completely silent. Did you not like the breakfast I made? :) Just trying to avoid making the same mistakes again."

Naturally, the first thing I did when I read this was immediately (literally within 1 minute of receiving it according to email time stamps) forward to my besties with a "WTF" in the subject line. Polly Pocket was the first to reply:

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're gonna have to be honest with him ....

You just didn't like the breakfast."


Meanwhile let's review a few key points having to do with this non-relationship and the email.

1. It really was me, not him. I just am not ready for a relationship but thought I was sparing this dude by not telling him "it's me not you" ... that was obviously a mistake
2. I hate bad grammar and his email was full of it.
3. I hate corny shit and his last line was corny.
4. This is not a job interview, you cannot solicit feedback from me on what you did to apply it to a later experience.

So how this all ended up is pretty mature too (glad we are in our 20s and 30s here) ... he went away this past weekend and texted me upon his return on Sunday:

Hedge - "Hey can I get my book back? My buddy wants to borrow it"
Me - "of course"
Hedge - "cool, lets meet this week and ill give you your dvd too"

Shit. He has my Glee Season 1 dvd ... now I must meet him. Clearly I am not trying to go at this alone, so I enlist JWoww to be the awkwardness buffer. We went to see Shutter Island (love me some Leo) and went for drinks afterwards in Union Square. I text Hedgie that we are in Union Square and he is obviously miffed that JWoww is in attendance and replies "I'm in midtown". Fuck that. So I asked if he would swing by and grab it on his way home and he wrote "Just forget it. Don't worry about meeting up again. Ever." ... Does this mean I'm not getting my dvd back?

I'm not keeping this book - this is EXACTLY like the time that Bacon had my dog and it was just a reason/excuse to call me from time to time and bitch about nothing. I will be mailing the book back this weekend. Though I have thought about taking it for my collection of "personal items that random dudes trying to be my boyfriend give me during dates" ... long collection title I need to think of something more succinct ... but this would be joining the guitar pick that I got from TI 83s friend over Halloween HAH.

ANYWAY - need to run, but lots more coming later this weekend about Snowtubing, Irish weekend in Hoboken, my upcoming vacation, and of course whatever is bound to happen tomorrow night when I'm out with JWoww!!

Smushes and Smooches (or lack thereof thanks to Hedge blowing up my spot).

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Straw that Broke the 30 Year Old's Back

So the long awaited event of Hot Pocket visiting (me and Polly Pocket's other college roomie) finally rolled around this past weekend. I don't think that I am going to capture all of the gems that happened this weekend in this blog post, but I'm going to give it a good shot.

Friday: I worked from home, knowing that HP would be showing up before I would have gotten home from the office. I went to Walgreens to buy gum and some microwavable mac and cheese to cure my hangover and also found an Ed Hardy air freshener and decided that buying it as a gift for HP would be the best way to welcome her to Brooklyn. While ringing up, the air freshener had no barcode so as a line formed behind me, a man announced "Price check on this Ed Hardy car fragrance". I could feel my face turning bright red, but also thought that this event kicking off the weekend was the best possible sign and moved on. HP arrived around 3 pm and I was still working so she napped on the couch and I had some conference calls including one with my VP who was more concerned with "what time are you going to start drinking and are you still hungover from last night?" than the actual work. Glad that my general life priorities are becoming well known. HP and I ordered pizza for dinner and started texting TI-83 to see what he was up to. TI-83 is my best guy friend here in the city, but he also happened to live next to HP, Polly, and I during college. His response was that there was a group of people playing Rockband and getting drunk in his apartment and that we should come over. We ate pizza, drank 2 bottles of wine and were on our way to Soho. Upon our arrival, we quickly realized/loved that there were 2 of us and 5 guys. We whipped out our "contribution" to the party which was airplane bottles of Sambuca and Jaegar and a classy 2009 Shiraz which we immediately started referring to as "my grape drink". After polishing the baby Sambuca (7 people, not that hard if everyone takes a little sip) and HP and I finishing our 3rd bottle of the night, we were ready to go out. Two of the guys that we didn't know said they had an important proposition which was "If you give us that baby Jaegar, we will buy you shots at the bar." best.trade.ever

We got the this place called RBar and they wanted us to pay $40 for our group and wait in line for 45 minutes since there was a private party going on. I'm not sure how other people feel about exclusivity, but I'm just trying to get my party on at all times and could give a shit about where so waiting in line (esp in February) is not my thing. THANK GOD TI-83 and his roommate share this sentiment so we left and went to one of their regular spots. After one 20oz beer each and the shots of tequila that we traded for, HP and I were in rare form. At this bar, you could order food and instead of doing so, HP stood next to a couple and screamed to me "I'm going to steal their pizza." The dude turned around and said that he was finished with it, so she could have it to which she replied "What? I'm not trying to steal your pizza, I'm just looking at this beer (pointing at the tap)." Then she grabbed the pizza and ran back to us where we rejoiced in her food creeping abilities and ate the slices - good job. A few minutes later, HP was passing out at the bar and I was reaching my "I LOVE THIS SONG" about every song that came on stage. We decided to go to the next place and hailed a taxi. By this point, there were 5 of us so we tried to squish 4 people in the back and one person up front. This is usually okay to do in NYC, but this cabbie was not impressed. He started yelling (imagine the Indian accent here) "THIS IS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW" ... we all quickly jumped out except for one of TI-83's friends who started punching the plexiglass window in the cab. He then got out and started kicking the cab (I was laughing at the violence) and yelling "yea, drive away - what?" Loves it.

We finally got another cab and got to yet another place where we were asked to wait in line. HP started drunkenly mumbling (with eyes close) "Let the girls in" - we were the only 2 girls in the line. Some dude in front of us starts mocking her in this annoying voice and she stands straight up, opens her eyes fully for the first time in about 30 minutes and says "You are balding" - the guy was totally bald. I died laughing and took that as a cue that the night (at 1 am) was over. HP, TI-83, and I went to the pizza place next door and dined on some on NYCs finest cuisine for the 3rd time in about 6 hours. HP used almost an entire shaker cheese bottle on one slice and I was so happy to see bacon on pizza that I ordered a slice and kept the topic of conversation at the table on the gloriousness of bacon until we were done.

Before HP came up, we talked about the possibility of her meeting Sonic. I explained thoroughly that I refuse to have a boyfriend right now and that I'm disappointing myself by only having sex with one person since me and Bacon broke up so that it was ending, but I would like her to meet him for context. She agreed and also tried to help me devise a plan where we could use his apartment in Hoboken during Irish weekend event though he would be out of town. I briefly mentioned to him that HP would be here and that we would text him where we were to potentially meet up. In no way did I ever confirm or committ to any plans with him for the weekend. What I did wake up to were BBMs from 230 am:
  • Woe
  • Wow
  • Really?
  • Okay
  • I'm surprisef
  • surprised
Yup, nope. This is officially more over than it ever needed to be because you got weird. Have a nice life, cling-master. Friday night and me not inviting him out have sinceforth become known as "the straw that broke the 30 year olds back" ... looks like I am in desperate need of someone to smush ... that was getting way too easy/frequent anyway and was ruining my ability to be a whore without feeling guilty. Done.

Saturday: We woke up and walked around Brooklyn for a while (gorgeous weekend in NYC), cooked every kind of comfort food ever, and probably consumed 9,000 calories each during the day. We napped while intermittently watching a marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians until about 7pm when TPayne came home from a shopping trip. He said he had been "drinking and smoking all day" HA. He dropped off his "fresh gear" into his room and left for a trip to Walgreens. He came back with a bag full of candy and passed out eating the candy and watching Harry Potter by 9pm. Awesome.

After eating all day and napping for the entire afternoon, we decided to rally around 11pm and meet the girls at my fave place in the West Village. There was a huge group of us including JWow, her sister, and a few others that we went to college with. It was a total blast and we decided to leave for a new place. We again, pushed 5 people into one cab and the cabbie was not pleased. JWow put her head down in the back and we pretended there were 4 of us. Some quotes from JWow's high school/lifelong BFF (and UES native) in the front seat:

"5 people? No, there are 4 of us deal with it. Are you smokin the reefer in here? If you don't just drive I'm calling my dad who is cop and telling him that you are high and putting our lives in danger with your reefer smoking."

"What's your name? You don't know, hmm I don't trust this, let's close this window between us for safety/the sake of my nostrils, it smells gay in here."

"Are you gay? You have a girlfriend? Oh. Do you ever do her up the ass and pretend like you're riding David Hasselhoff? Yes you do, don't lie."

Yea, it was one of those nights. We got to the next place which had another line - fail. The other 3 girls eventually got in, but my zero tolerance for lines came out when I started screaming in a crowd of people "Unless Justin Timberlake is in that bar waiting to eat me out, I am not waiting in this line." I'm the epitome of class.

HP and I walked a half block to another bar where I had been once before and loved. This place has great live music and a cool jazz club vibe. We went in, got some drinks and the hilarity ensued. During a break for the band, 3 Beyonce songs came on in a row and when Bootylicious came on, it was too much for HP to handle. She jumped up and down and fell on a pole (think a pole that would support velvet rope). People pointed and laughed and we decided that this was a sign of good things to come, high fived a few on-lookers, and kept dancing to Bootylicious. Minutes later, a woman who barely spoke English grabbed us and said that we had to meet her friend. "He is hetero. No gay. This is important." We said hi to him and quickly retreated back to our spots at the bar. We were then approached by a guy who claimed to have a band and was a total freakin weirdo, so we did what came naturally. Whipped out our blackberrys and friended him. At this point, it was 3 am and I was pretty ready to finish my beer and call it a night. HP found an airplane bottle in her purse, dumped it in her drink and asked the bartender for "more Sprite" - genius.

We left the bar and walked up the street to the most crowded McDonald's that I had ever seen. Who ever had the business idea to put a 24 hour Mickey D's on a street full of bars was a genius. We were in line behind some bitch who was staing at HP so she obviously stared right back and started making comments... loves it. When that girl felt sufficiently threatened, she left McDonald's (we are alpha bitches and made her leave with our hateful stares) we were bitching about her when the very cute guy in front of us said "are you talking about my girlfriend?" I said that if his gf was the heinous bitch that just stormed out, then yes. We proceeded to spend the 10 minutes in line for nuggets telling these guys that we are sisters, accusing them of being gum ball salesmen for a living, and just being generally 4am obnoxious. They were pleased and impressed with us. They joined us in berating the poor McDonald's workers - one of them placed his order and upon being asked "anything else?" we started screaming that he wanted a side of gumballs and he backed us up on this claim. Mickey D's workers are not impressed by this at 4 am and apparently don't serve gumballs. These guys then joined in on our chant "we want olympic sauce" until they brought us some sort of chili something (I don't eat this crap enough to know if this is actually branded as Olympic sauce, but I went with it). We stood with these guys and ate our food, found out that they both live in Brooklyn - talked about sharing cabs home, decided against it, got more facebook friends, and then left.

On the cabride home, HP took my phone and drunk dialed EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHE KNEW in there. The only people that were spared:
  • Bacon because she hates him
  • GTL because I convinced her that she would not be impressed and would kill someone if she received a call at 4 am
  • My boss who is living in Brazil because I explained that it was 7am there and it would not be nice to interrupt sleep for our entertainment (but somehow calling everyone on the east coast when it was 4 am - totally acceptable)
Out of the 25+ people that we called, the only people to respond were:
  • Dude that I was smushing with when Bacon and I broke up Junior year of college, though he had no idea who it was and didn't have my number so we texted him obnoxious things until 5 am
  • Guy that I had a huge crush on when I was abroad with him summer before senior year - he actually CALLED back. I decided that next time I'm in Philly I'm going to try to make out with him.
  • Creeper that drove us to the bar every day during college/loved all of us but none of us ever even kissed him
  • My sister (but not until 10am)
  • Kid from college that we will call Brewster with a 9 am text saying "thank you for the 345 am call". I responded - you are welcome.
Sunday: When we woke up this morning, we decided that we are not eating carbs for the next month (successful for today, I might add) except for very important drinking occasions like Irish weekend and next weekend's snow tubing adventure. We spent hours looking at old pictures on facebook and came to the conclusions that we miss having our besties live no more than 50 feet away and that we need to be that skinny again right this minute. We also decided that HP needs to get promoted and move up here. Our goal is to have a camera crew following us around by the end of 2010 ... lofty, but maybe is all else fails we can re-enlist Creeper as our bitch and have him film our nights out so that we can rewatch them and laugh later.

Basically, thanks to some of my best friends, this was an unforgettable weekend and I cannot wait to post some amazing pictures on facebook for all of you to enjoy.

Until next time, smushes and smooches xo.