Tuesday, April 20, 2010


This past weekend, I went to Philly to visit my best girlfriends. On Friday after work TI*83 and I drove down to Philly and hit so much traffic that I was just exhausted when we got there. We visited a few old friends and then I dropped him off at our guy friends house where he was staying for the weekend. I drove to Hot Pocket's apartment where we both fell asleep at 10 pm because we are old and sometimes need a quiet night of cuddling on her couch to solidify our sis-mance (girl bromance).

The next day was quite eventful ... the daytime consisted of HP going to spin class while I spent 4 hours at the hairdresser ... all the while we harrassed Polly Pocket about hanging out with us that day. We met PP for lunch, the 3 of us got pedis, then PP went home to ready herself for the night while HP and I took a much deserved nap, we had a rough day of drinking cocktails and pampering ourselves.

We met back up with PP at our favorite BYOB and proceeded to get totally and completely loaded. A train took us to the total ghetto (complete with a bottle of vino and a loaf of bread in my purse "for the homeless") where we snuck our booze into the Chelsea Handler show ... she would have been proud. After the show, we took another train to an open bar reunion where we met up with many old friends including TI-83 and JWoww. We got sloppier - this pleased us greatly. When the free liquor  stopped flowing, we took a cab to Manayunk where we went to Castle Roxx. We were the only 3 people in the bar above the age of 19, which did not please us. The next logical move was to go to our favorite dive bar Pitchers. Since we hadn't yet drank enough, we ordered a pitcher of Bud Light Golden Wheat. HP proclaims that her "friend" (aka guy she is trying to make out with) is coming to meet us. Since it was time for the bar to close, we met her friend and his roommate, who I will call Cougar Bait outside. HP asked them to come back to her place with us because the bars were all closed. They did ... she forced me to drink more wine and them to drink MGD 64 that was more than a year old.

HP and her friend passed out when his (really hot) roommate started rubbing my back and asking what I do in NYC. When I replied "marketing" he said "oh that's great, I double major in marketing and management."

Oh yes, he is a 21 year old senior in college ... PERFECT. At that exact moment I made the decision to fuck with that boy so bad ... and it went perfectly. He asked me to come home with him persuading me with "my house is only 2 blocks away". I played coy saying "I don't even know you" to which he literally replied:

"Do you want to see pictures of my family or something?"

That was not the end of his one-liners ...
  • CB: How many people have you had sex with?
  • Me: I will NEVER tell you that
  • CB: I've had sex with 6 people including you ... 2 were relationships ... I know it's not that impressive
  • Me: Well, you've got me beat (totally false, but hilarious)

  • CB: Can I get your number since you said you have to leave so early
  • Me: No
  • CB: Well, I can't find my phone, can you just call it from yours so I can find it?
  • Me: (silent failure ... CB wins this round)
During sex ...
  • CB: (runs his fingers through my hair) "Just relax" ... thanks, I've never done this before

  • CB: How often do you come to Philly?
  • Me: Never
  • CB: Well I can't wait til you come back
When I woke up the next morning (2 hours later), I was horrified to see movie posters from The Dark Knight, Godfather, and Fight Club framed on the wall ... I was not so horrified to see a quite gorgeous man child laying next to me. This boy is really hot. I woke him up at 830 am to say I was going back to HPs (2 blocks away) to which he replied "I will drive you" and he jumped out of bed to drive me the 2 blocks. Cougar Bait is such a gentleman.

HP and I went for bagels and went to visit GTL and her man-guy (who is going to Vegas with us and will be in this blog if he does something cool during that trip ...) at his new house. Very cool house ... they were laughing at my conquest from the night before. I drove home with JWoww and our other friend and made the decision that CB would be tortured by me for my general entertainment and for the good of this blog.

I decided that since he tricked me into giving my number to him that I should use this to my advantage. My first step was to text him.

Me: Sorry for making you wake up so early. I really had fun last night
CB: No problem, I needed a wake up call today. I wish I could have met up with you earlier instead of at the end of the night.
CB (after I didn't answer): Try to visit soon even though nyc is probably more fun
Me (2 hours later): Probably? Definitely more fun but I'll be in Philly in 2 weeks to go to a Phillies game and formal with HP
CB: Alright. Looking forward to seeing you.

The next morning, I facebook friended him which was great because he thinks I like him AND I can stalk his beautiful man-child pictures.

HP has instructed me that "for her entertainment" I should hook up with him again in 2 weekends. I probably would have done it anyway, but great.

While all of this was happening on Satuday night ... Polly Pocket got totally lost and wandered around Manayunk for over an hour totally drunk until her boyfriend found her traipsing down his street ... sorry girl.

Glad we are all such hot messes.

Until next time, smushin and smoochin.


Spring has Sprung...

... And so has my ability to whore myself out in the worst/best of ways.

Two weeks ago, I opted to not go to happy hour because my favorite co-workers weren't going. Instead I went home, drank 2 bottles of wine alone while watching Hostel, and passed out by 930 pm (great, glad I'm not turning into an alcoholic). I woke up to my Blackberry actually buzzing off of the nightstand - bbms from who else? Jack Dawson. He was in Brooklyn and asking me to come out. Real annoyed that he was booty calling me and expecting me to be around, I didn't answer him while my still-drunk self got out of bed and got dressed. I met him at Brooklyn Bowl where his bitch roommate ignored my existence and he tried to get me to have sex in the bathroom (it was too crowded). We took a cab back to his place where he informed me that I "could sleep over" ... yea, thanks. It's 3 am on a school night and we came from my neighborhood all the way to upper Manhattan, thanks for inviting me to sleep over (why are dudes so stupid?). So we "slept" and when the work alarm went off and I explained that my job is amazing and I was working from home that Friday, he was jealous.

He asked the following series of questions:
Jack: Do you want breakfast?
Me: Nope
J: Do you have clothes or want to take a shower with me?
M: No, I'm going home to shower, I don't have clothes with me.
J: Do you want to wait for me to get ready and we can ride the train downtown together?
M: No. ....

Then I snuck out while he was showering.

When did I become a total dude?? This is so great. Sex with no feelings. I AM IN LOVE ... with myself and my life.

Smooches and Smushes xo

Thursday, April 8, 2010

So it's Easter time

I went to my parents house for Easter this past weekend and a few hilarious things happened:

1. I battled with my 12 year old brother over who got to dye how many Easter eggs. I won because he used two of the eggs to make an egg-salad sandwich ... these counted towards his total egg count.

2. My brother and his friends have grown into hilarious pre-teens and say things like (and this is a legit and direct quote): "They were acting so gross at the party, doing stuff that 20 year olds would never even do. Like slapping ass." ... I replied of course with "That is gross, 20 year olds would NEVER slap ass." Then I laughed in their faces and told them that I would blog that quote.

3. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is a hilarious book - you should all read it, I finished it over Easter.

4. My cousin who was engaged has broken her engagement. While something so heinous should not make me happy, it makes me feel like less of a reject for having lived with a boyfriend and broken up.

Until next time - Smushes and Smooches xo

Pura Vida - It's Toats Costa

I am a total slacker (and very busy with work these days), but here is the Costa Rica recap by day:

Day 0/1: Slept over TI-83’s the night before we left and made an amazing dinner (tilapia) – I got to sleep on the pullout couch. Our 5am wake up call was no problem because we were so excited. We got a car to New Jersey (barf) and our flight out was at 7am. I sat with TI’s girlfriend Mamadita and we spent the morning flight getting buzzed on Screwdrivers. Once we arrived in CR, we took a public bus from the airport to the city (which we prematurely exited in the middle of nowhere) and arrived at our hostel. It was a bit shocking to be in a room with 3 strangers, sleeping in bunk beds, but I quickly adjusted. We walked around the city for a while (though there was not much to see) and ended up getting dinner at a pub. TI-83 quickly fell asleep so Mamadita and I went up to the bar at the hostel and had some drinks and surprisingly AMAZING quesadillas (this was a consistent and surprising theme in Costa Rica – I LOVED the food there).

Day 2: Another day in San Jose. We quickly realized that this is not a touristy city at all and would highly recommend that if you do this trip, you skip San Jose all together. That being said, we made the most of our day by going to a museum and sitting at an outdoor restaurant people watching. The piazza where the restaurant is was full of street vendors selling great things like colored bra straps, skip-its, and “MUSICA MUSICA” (cds). Another fantastic day 2 realization was that we could withdrawal 100,000 in local Colones and that was about $200 USD – BALLIN. That night, we stayed at the same hostel, playing cards, and drinking. We called it a night a bit early in anticipation of the next morning.

Day 3: This was the first day of a 2-day rafting trip that we were taking. We got in a shuttle and took a 2 hour drive to the Rio Pacuare. Once at the river, the 3 of us, one guide, and a rescue kayaker die 18 miles in class 1 and 2 rapids until we reached our camp. Throughout the day, we were also able to hike up some waterfalls and jump off of rocks into the water. Our camp was total Swiss Family Robinson and very VIP. There was no electricity and it reminded me of the show Land of the Lost when the nighttime fog started rolling in. There was nothing more relaxing then falling asleep in a hammock under a roof in the pouring rain (rainforests are, in fact, rainy).

Day 4: We woke up early to the most delicious breakfast that I have ever tasted (prepared by our guides Ivan and Graybean) – then embarked on some more rafting. We were able to get out of the raft and hike up more waterfalls. About half way through the day, we started hitting some serious Class 4 rapids. On one rapid, TI-83 fell completely out of the raft and had to be rescued by a kayak. The trip was exhausting but well worth it! That night, we were on to La Fortuna – a town that is well-known for having an active volcano towering over it. The hostel was really nice and we had a private room/bathroom (yay).

Day 5: We woke up early for our 7am pickup to go canyoning (rappelling). We rappelled down 4 waterfalls and one cliff. (The highest waterfall was 185 feet high! We are so extreme). One of our instructors was named (nicknamed?) Cowface – he asked me if I had a boyfriend in the US and if I wanted a Costa Rican boyfriend. Of course, I had to be obnoxious and say that I wanted him to be my CRBF. He took this REALLY seriously and offered to drive the three of us to the volcano in his personal vehicle later that day. Since TI-83 was egging him on the entire time, I decided that he would have to get me out of this. I ran away like a 10 year old girl while my trusty travel buddy/pimp let Cowface down gently. This was only after I was forced to awkwardly sit next to my suitor for a 30 minute van ride thanks to TI. Later that day, we decided to go on a horseback ride up the volcano to see a waterfall. My horse was named Paccharo, but I kept calling him Pikachu. This did not please him which is why he constantly tried to trot or gallop so that I would fall off (great pictures of my face posted on TI’s facebook if you want a good laugh). Once we got up to the waterfall, our guide said that we would take a “short hike” to go swimming. TI and I decided to make the hike barefoot and in swim suits. MAJOR MISTAKE. By “short-hike” our guide really meant hour long trek through the rainforest down the side of a cliff … fyi always wear shoes on anything called a hike. The waterfall was beautiful and the swim was refreshing.

Day 6: We spent the majority of the day in a van on the way to Monte Verde – a GORGEOUS region that looks like the Sound of Music. That being said – please keep in mind should your travels ever take you to Costa Rica that the drivers are insane and the roads are not paved … at all. When we got the Monte Verde, we went to a zip lining tour which was amazing. We did 11 zip lines and even had the chance to do a “superman” line where the pullies were strapped to our backs like we were flying – completely amazing and totally recommended.

Day 7: This was my least favorite day, but a means to an AMAZING end. We spent 7 hours in one of the death-trap vans getting to Montezuma. Montezuma is a beautiful and charming little beach town. Our hotel was gorgeous and right on the beach. That night, we had guaro (CR’s national liquor), cheese, and fruit for dinner right outside of our room and fell asleep early after some seashell searching on the beach.

Day 8: We woke up early for breakfast and some beachtime and then headed to town to meet up with our surf instructors. All 3 of us were able to stand up on the surf boards, and we all managed to get major sunburn even though we were wearing SPF 50. While our instructors were washing off the surfboards, we saw a Howler Monkey … I was VERY impressed by the wildlife living in the bamboo.

Day 9: Sadly, this was the end of our beach time, but like the VIPs that we were on this trip, we chartered a speedboat from Montezuma to Jaco Beach to get back to San Jose (instead of the 10 hour bus ride). We returned back to our original hostel and spent one more night before our flight out on day 10.

All in all, this was the vacation that I had always dreamed of – lots of adventure and an amazing time. It is definitely something that I will never forget!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

As the winter winds down ...

Before Spring comes rolling in, I thought I would recap (since I've been slacking) some of the fantastic things that have been going on in my life these past few weeks before my fabulous vacation to Costa Rica (go ahead, be jealous) ...

Snowtubing and drinking
Two weekends in a row, I hung out with JWow and her co workers. The first weekend was a snowtubing and beer tasting trip in Connecticut. After a day full of injuries (and the realization that my Sony camera is a beast and can never be broken) and some beer, we went to Blockheads for some margartias. That was about as much as I could handle that weekend since my whole body was in pain for a literal week after the trip. The next weekend (which was also the night before Hoboken St. Patty's) we went to a country music playing bar on Friday night after work. A few notable things happened this night:

1. JWow made friends with a frightening man named Sleeves (sleeved tattoo arms) who made his friends buy us all shots of Jameson (I was the only girl to actually do the shot).
2. JWow's gay bff Pauly D showed up and gave me my first motorboat of life. Quite the shocking experience when you are dancing with someone and they motorboat you ...
3. We drank many fishbowls and were being generally obnoxious at the bar (not a surprise)

Even after this fun night, we all met up at the PATH train at 1030 am to go to Hoboken and celebrate for the day. It was a gorgeous day in Hoboken and we started the day off at an apartment party. After the cops came twice and the guys that live there got $4,000 in fines for people throwing things out the window, we decided to leave. My favorite quote from that party was (In reference to a girl wearing too-tight leggings with a muffin top): "She has zero respect for this party ... it's just disrespectful."

We left the party and went to another place for a party. It ended up being a big college reunion INCLUDING the first one night stand that I ever had showing up (awks). All in all, it was a really fun day full of FREE day drinking. At 730 pm we decided to take the PATH home and it was SWAMPED. On the PATH train, one of our friends started cuddling with a guy and saying it was her path boyfriend. My favorite part was the whole train car singing the national anthem ... all in all, a solid performance for Hoboken St. Patty's Day.

The Great Storm
This past weekend, we had 2 full days of torrential downpours that led to power outages and really bad driving conditions. Saturday night, I thought it was high time to do two strategic things ... 1. see JWow one last time before my upcoming vacay and 2. make out with someone. Two birds. One Stone. JWow texted me that some guys wanted us to hang out and that I should meet everyone on the UES at their apartment. After an hour and a half of delayed buses, powerless trains, and taxis stuck on the FDR, I finally made it all the way up town. I had a few glasses of vino and some champagne and we immediately (of course) went back downtown to the bar. At the bar, JWow switched to water because she was already feeling sick, everyone we were with started saying "Here, here" every time we took a sip of our drinks (trying to bring back the days of Titanic), and shots of Patron were also being consumed. Jack Dawson (who was previously unnamed in this blog, but was the guy who confronted Hedge the first night that I boned him) was flirting with me (in person and via BBM while we were at the same bar ... lame, but whatever). Obviously we were dancing, started making out, and getting REALLY inappropriate on the dance floor. He propositioned me (or I propositioned him?? doesn't matter) but for multiple lady reasons, it was not going to happen (one reason being my preparation for an upcoming wax appointment for vacation). Instead, I decided to lay down the law by literally pointing my finger in his face and saying:

"I will hang out with you on Tuesday. We will bone and you will not try, in any way, shape, or form, to be my boyfriend. If you even try to call me the next day, I will be REAL PISSED." He laughed and agreed. Later that night, I threw up in a cab - so classy and then had to go home on Sunday to give the dog to my family to babysit while I'm away.

St. Patty's Day - NYC
So turns out that Jack and I didn't meet up until Wednesday which was also St. Patty's day. Buckle your seatbelts faithful blog readers, this is an epic story ...

So Wednesday I had to work, but I left around 430 to meet a friend for a few beers before I got waxed for vacation (bad timing with St. Pattys huh??). So I had 2 beers and headed to the spa - fyi, quickest way to kill any buzz is to get your whole self waxed ... epic fail. I went to the bar and had too many beers and shots of Jameson then for tapas. TI-83 showed up, realized who I was bbming with (Jack) and started telling me he was a "penis". I took that as my cue to ditch the CPA and get out of there to meet up with said penis. After 2 bars, lots of beers, and hanging out with his roomie in Union Square til 3 am, went back to their apartment and stayed awake all night if you catch my drift (which was very fun and I'm pretty sure I will continue this upon my return). I woke up this morning at 6 am, realized that I am SO FAR from my apartment and my office and had to walk/subway of shame all the way to the village.

I sketchily snuck into the office wearing the same clothes as yesterday, no makeup on my face, looking like hell. LUCKILY I had an extra outfit in my desk (don't ask) so I'm all set for today - but need to be more prepared for next time.

Until after vacation - Smushes and Smooches xo

Friday, March 12, 2010

It's been a while

So this post is going to be majorly long ... take a deep breath, get a snack, and enjoy the hilarity that is my life.

After Hot Pocket left that weekend, work has gotten really crazy (hence my lack of posting for the past few weeks) and weeknight outings have been slowing down (not completely and this is temporary - I promise). That being said, I have been having ALOT of fun and with my friends, you never know what is going to happen:

Hedgehog update:
At the advice of one of the smartest single ladies that I know, I blocked him on BBM and gchat and was told "he will just think you are always offline" - this did not stop him from straight texting, calling, and emailing me at work and my gmail - FAIL. I basically ignored him until I got this email and I quote:

"hey, so I get the hint and usually i would just let it go and move on but for sanity sake can you tell me what happened? In all honesty I just I just can't figure it out. Usually its pretty obvious but with you, not so much because the last time we saw each other I thought things were going good (if not great) and then you went completely silent. Did you not like the breakfast I made? :) Just trying to avoid making the same mistakes again."

Naturally, the first thing I did when I read this was immediately (literally within 1 minute of receiving it according to email time stamps) forward to my besties with a "WTF" in the subject line. Polly Pocket was the first to reply:

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're gonna have to be honest with him ....

You just didn't like the breakfast."


Meanwhile let's review a few key points having to do with this non-relationship and the email.

1. It really was me, not him. I just am not ready for a relationship but thought I was sparing this dude by not telling him "it's me not you" ... that was obviously a mistake
2. I hate bad grammar and his email was full of it.
3. I hate corny shit and his last line was corny.
4. This is not a job interview, you cannot solicit feedback from me on what you did to apply it to a later experience.

So how this all ended up is pretty mature too (glad we are in our 20s and 30s here) ... he went away this past weekend and texted me upon his return on Sunday:

Hedge - "Hey can I get my book back? My buddy wants to borrow it"
Me - "of course"
Hedge - "cool, lets meet this week and ill give you your dvd too"

Shit. He has my Glee Season 1 dvd ... now I must meet him. Clearly I am not trying to go at this alone, so I enlist JWoww to be the awkwardness buffer. We went to see Shutter Island (love me some Leo) and went for drinks afterwards in Union Square. I text Hedgie that we are in Union Square and he is obviously miffed that JWoww is in attendance and replies "I'm in midtown". Fuck that. So I asked if he would swing by and grab it on his way home and he wrote "Just forget it. Don't worry about meeting up again. Ever." ... Does this mean I'm not getting my dvd back?

I'm not keeping this book - this is EXACTLY like the time that Bacon had my dog and it was just a reason/excuse to call me from time to time and bitch about nothing. I will be mailing the book back this weekend. Though I have thought about taking it for my collection of "personal items that random dudes trying to be my boyfriend give me during dates" ... long collection title I need to think of something more succinct ... but this would be joining the guitar pick that I got from TI 83s friend over Halloween HAH.

ANYWAY - need to run, but lots more coming later this weekend about Snowtubing, Irish weekend in Hoboken, my upcoming vacation, and of course whatever is bound to happen tomorrow night when I'm out with JWoww!!

Smushes and Smooches (or lack thereof thanks to Hedge blowing up my spot).

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Straw that Broke the 30 Year Old's Back

So the long awaited event of Hot Pocket visiting (me and Polly Pocket's other college roomie) finally rolled around this past weekend. I don't think that I am going to capture all of the gems that happened this weekend in this blog post, but I'm going to give it a good shot.

Friday: I worked from home, knowing that HP would be showing up before I would have gotten home from the office. I went to Walgreens to buy gum and some microwavable mac and cheese to cure my hangover and also found an Ed Hardy air freshener and decided that buying it as a gift for HP would be the best way to welcome her to Brooklyn. While ringing up, the air freshener had no barcode so as a line formed behind me, a man announced "Price check on this Ed Hardy car fragrance". I could feel my face turning bright red, but also thought that this event kicking off the weekend was the best possible sign and moved on. HP arrived around 3 pm and I was still working so she napped on the couch and I had some conference calls including one with my VP who was more concerned with "what time are you going to start drinking and are you still hungover from last night?" than the actual work. Glad that my general life priorities are becoming well known. HP and I ordered pizza for dinner and started texting TI-83 to see what he was up to. TI-83 is my best guy friend here in the city, but he also happened to live next to HP, Polly, and I during college. His response was that there was a group of people playing Rockband and getting drunk in his apartment and that we should come over. We ate pizza, drank 2 bottles of wine and were on our way to Soho. Upon our arrival, we quickly realized/loved that there were 2 of us and 5 guys. We whipped out our "contribution" to the party which was airplane bottles of Sambuca and Jaegar and a classy 2009 Shiraz which we immediately started referring to as "my grape drink". After polishing the baby Sambuca (7 people, not that hard if everyone takes a little sip) and HP and I finishing our 3rd bottle of the night, we were ready to go out. Two of the guys that we didn't know said they had an important proposition which was "If you give us that baby Jaegar, we will buy you shots at the bar." best.trade.ever

We got the this place called RBar and they wanted us to pay $40 for our group and wait in line for 45 minutes since there was a private party going on. I'm not sure how other people feel about exclusivity, but I'm just trying to get my party on at all times and could give a shit about where so waiting in line (esp in February) is not my thing. THANK GOD TI-83 and his roommate share this sentiment so we left and went to one of their regular spots. After one 20oz beer each and the shots of tequila that we traded for, HP and I were in rare form. At this bar, you could order food and instead of doing so, HP stood next to a couple and screamed to me "I'm going to steal their pizza." The dude turned around and said that he was finished with it, so she could have it to which she replied "What? I'm not trying to steal your pizza, I'm just looking at this beer (pointing at the tap)." Then she grabbed the pizza and ran back to us where we rejoiced in her food creeping abilities and ate the slices - good job. A few minutes later, HP was passing out at the bar and I was reaching my "I LOVE THIS SONG" about every song that came on stage. We decided to go to the next place and hailed a taxi. By this point, there were 5 of us so we tried to squish 4 people in the back and one person up front. This is usually okay to do in NYC, but this cabbie was not impressed. He started yelling (imagine the Indian accent here) "THIS IS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW" ... we all quickly jumped out except for one of TI-83's friends who started punching the plexiglass window in the cab. He then got out and started kicking the cab (I was laughing at the violence) and yelling "yea, drive away - what?" Loves it.

We finally got another cab and got to yet another place where we were asked to wait in line. HP started drunkenly mumbling (with eyes close) "Let the girls in" - we were the only 2 girls in the line. Some dude in front of us starts mocking her in this annoying voice and she stands straight up, opens her eyes fully for the first time in about 30 minutes and says "You are balding" - the guy was totally bald. I died laughing and took that as a cue that the night (at 1 am) was over. HP, TI-83, and I went to the pizza place next door and dined on some on NYCs finest cuisine for the 3rd time in about 6 hours. HP used almost an entire shaker cheese bottle on one slice and I was so happy to see bacon on pizza that I ordered a slice and kept the topic of conversation at the table on the gloriousness of bacon until we were done.

Before HP came up, we talked about the possibility of her meeting Sonic. I explained thoroughly that I refuse to have a boyfriend right now and that I'm disappointing myself by only having sex with one person since me and Bacon broke up so that it was ending, but I would like her to meet him for context. She agreed and also tried to help me devise a plan where we could use his apartment in Hoboken during Irish weekend event though he would be out of town. I briefly mentioned to him that HP would be here and that we would text him where we were to potentially meet up. In no way did I ever confirm or committ to any plans with him for the weekend. What I did wake up to were BBMs from 230 am:
  • Woe
  • Wow
  • Really?
  • Okay
  • I'm surprisef
  • surprised
Yup, nope. This is officially more over than it ever needed to be because you got weird. Have a nice life, cling-master. Friday night and me not inviting him out have sinceforth become known as "the straw that broke the 30 year olds back" ... looks like I am in desperate need of someone to smush ... that was getting way too easy/frequent anyway and was ruining my ability to be a whore without feeling guilty. Done.

Saturday: We woke up and walked around Brooklyn for a while (gorgeous weekend in NYC), cooked every kind of comfort food ever, and probably consumed 9,000 calories each during the day. We napped while intermittently watching a marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians until about 7pm when TPayne came home from a shopping trip. He said he had been "drinking and smoking all day" HA. He dropped off his "fresh gear" into his room and left for a trip to Walgreens. He came back with a bag full of candy and passed out eating the candy and watching Harry Potter by 9pm. Awesome.

After eating all day and napping for the entire afternoon, we decided to rally around 11pm and meet the girls at my fave place in the West Village. There was a huge group of us including JWow, her sister, and a few others that we went to college with. It was a total blast and we decided to leave for a new place. We again, pushed 5 people into one cab and the cabbie was not pleased. JWow put her head down in the back and we pretended there were 4 of us. Some quotes from JWow's high school/lifelong BFF (and UES native) in the front seat:

"5 people? No, there are 4 of us deal with it. Are you smokin the reefer in here? If you don't just drive I'm calling my dad who is cop and telling him that you are high and putting our lives in danger with your reefer smoking."

"What's your name? You don't know, hmm I don't trust this, let's close this window between us for safety/the sake of my nostrils, it smells gay in here."

"Are you gay? You have a girlfriend? Oh. Do you ever do her up the ass and pretend like you're riding David Hasselhoff? Yes you do, don't lie."

Yea, it was one of those nights. We got to the next place which had another line - fail. The other 3 girls eventually got in, but my zero tolerance for lines came out when I started screaming in a crowd of people "Unless Justin Timberlake is in that bar waiting to eat me out, I am not waiting in this line." I'm the epitome of class.

HP and I walked a half block to another bar where I had been once before and loved. This place has great live music and a cool jazz club vibe. We went in, got some drinks and the hilarity ensued. During a break for the band, 3 Beyonce songs came on in a row and when Bootylicious came on, it was too much for HP to handle. She jumped up and down and fell on a pole (think a pole that would support velvet rope). People pointed and laughed and we decided that this was a sign of good things to come, high fived a few on-lookers, and kept dancing to Bootylicious. Minutes later, a woman who barely spoke English grabbed us and said that we had to meet her friend. "He is hetero. No gay. This is important." We said hi to him and quickly retreated back to our spots at the bar. We were then approached by a guy who claimed to have a band and was a total freakin weirdo, so we did what came naturally. Whipped out our blackberrys and friended him. At this point, it was 3 am and I was pretty ready to finish my beer and call it a night. HP found an airplane bottle in her purse, dumped it in her drink and asked the bartender for "more Sprite" - genius.

We left the bar and walked up the street to the most crowded McDonald's that I had ever seen. Who ever had the business idea to put a 24 hour Mickey D's on a street full of bars was a genius. We were in line behind some bitch who was staing at HP so she obviously stared right back and started making comments... loves it. When that girl felt sufficiently threatened, she left McDonald's (we are alpha bitches and made her leave with our hateful stares) we were bitching about her when the very cute guy in front of us said "are you talking about my girlfriend?" I said that if his gf was the heinous bitch that just stormed out, then yes. We proceeded to spend the 10 minutes in line for nuggets telling these guys that we are sisters, accusing them of being gum ball salesmen for a living, and just being generally 4am obnoxious. They were pleased and impressed with us. They joined us in berating the poor McDonald's workers - one of them placed his order and upon being asked "anything else?" we started screaming that he wanted a side of gumballs and he backed us up on this claim. Mickey D's workers are not impressed by this at 4 am and apparently don't serve gumballs. These guys then joined in on our chant "we want olympic sauce" until they brought us some sort of chili something (I don't eat this crap enough to know if this is actually branded as Olympic sauce, but I went with it). We stood with these guys and ate our food, found out that they both live in Brooklyn - talked about sharing cabs home, decided against it, got more facebook friends, and then left.

On the cabride home, HP took my phone and drunk dialed EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHE KNEW in there. The only people that were spared:
  • Bacon because she hates him
  • GTL because I convinced her that she would not be impressed and would kill someone if she received a call at 4 am
  • My boss who is living in Brazil because I explained that it was 7am there and it would not be nice to interrupt sleep for our entertainment (but somehow calling everyone on the east coast when it was 4 am - totally acceptable)
Out of the 25+ people that we called, the only people to respond were:
  • Dude that I was smushing with when Bacon and I broke up Junior year of college, though he had no idea who it was and didn't have my number so we texted him obnoxious things until 5 am
  • Guy that I had a huge crush on when I was abroad with him summer before senior year - he actually CALLED back. I decided that next time I'm in Philly I'm going to try to make out with him.
  • Creeper that drove us to the bar every day during college/loved all of us but none of us ever even kissed him
  • My sister (but not until 10am)
  • Kid from college that we will call Brewster with a 9 am text saying "thank you for the 345 am call". I responded - you are welcome.
Sunday: When we woke up this morning, we decided that we are not eating carbs for the next month (successful for today, I might add) except for very important drinking occasions like Irish weekend and next weekend's snow tubing adventure. We spent hours looking at old pictures on facebook and came to the conclusions that we miss having our besties live no more than 50 feet away and that we need to be that skinny again right this minute. We also decided that HP needs to get promoted and move up here. Our goal is to have a camera crew following us around by the end of 2010 ... lofty, but maybe is all else fails we can re-enlist Creeper as our bitch and have him film our nights out so that we can rewatch them and laugh later.

Basically, thanks to some of my best friends, this was an unforgettable weekend and I cannot wait to post some amazing pictures on facebook for all of you to enjoy.

Until next time, smushes and smooches xo.

80s Night

Last Thursday, I finally went to the movies with JWow to see Dear John. We had decided well in advance that the only way we could stomach this movie was by getting drunk in the theatre with 40s and snacks during it. We chose a 550 pm showing, went to a deli beforehand to procure beer, and had an awesome night ....

The night began with us watching this movie. Not sure if either one of us understands/comprehends the full scope of the storyline, but here is what I do know:

1. The girls next to us were crying while JWow and I were SCREAMING "If xyz plot line happens I will fucking throw this bottle at the screen"
2. Laughing LOUDLY at inappropriate times
3. JWow literally saying "I have to pee so bad. This was something I should have anticipated, but I can't leave or I will miss the ending."

We both decided in the end that we will NEVER see a chick flick/comedy again without drinking and that anyone who has yet to experience the glory of sneaking 40s into the movies is missing out. When the movie ended at 730 pm and we both had a great buzz going on, we decided that the only responsible thing to do was go to the bar and not waste the 40s we just consumed. We went to a cool Irish Pub near Union Square and claimed our spots at the bar.

The crowd was definitely interesting. Included what JWow and I decided was an awkward eHarmony date, a dude wearing a Run DMC track suit and at least 4 gold chains (dubbed by JWow as "chains"), and two hipster kids sitting directly next to me. We got their real names, but JWow insisted on calling them "hat" and "salmon" ... they were answering to it. Once we noticed that Chains was sitting directly behind me, we did the only responsible thing that we could think of when we were drunk at 8 pm - take obnoxious blackberry photos of him and post them to facebook. Chains was not impressed. In fact, he called me out and demanded that I remove the photo from facebook. I showed him the picture and he was shut down. You see, JWow and I are smart enough to make fun of people while couching it by taking off center pictures of ourselves. In this case, Chains is in the background of a pic of JWow just chillin in this bar. Classic.

Meanwhile, we sat next to Hat and Salmon for about 2 hours creepin on their conversations about the NBA game on tv and I kept saying "I bet you they are from NJ - I fucking attract people from NJ like it's my job." At some point, they started talking to us and turns out that they are from Ohio. (my fist pump radar is not always up to par after drinking for 5 straight hours) We talk to these dudes for a while before I start demanding Taco Bell. They were hysterically laughing every time JWow or I said something along the lines of "I will kill someone if I don't get a taco in the next 5 minutes." ... this went on for at least an hour. Finally, right around 1am, we decide that Taco Bell is a must and we leave with Hat and Salmon. JWow and I flag down a taxi (note: Taco Bell was about 2 blocks away ... whoops) and Hat and Salmon awkwardly look on for an invite on our classy late night fast food binge. If you have to ask, you'll never be invited to Taco Bell, just sayin that they should have jumped in the car if they were smart. The night ended as you all would have guess ... me and JWow being really good Catholics by stuffing our faces on what was now Friday with some combination of mystery meats disguised as tacos and me breaking my Lent resolution for the thousandth time this weekby taking a taxi home when I was completely capable of taking a subway.

Smooches and Smushes xo

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Random Thoughts that Probably Add to My Overall Character as an Evil Bitch

Everyday, I have thoughts in my head and LITERALLY as I think of them, I'm also thinking "what the hell happened in my life to make me so weird/mean/funny"? Some of these things are conversations that I imagine in my head that will never actually be verbalized, others are just ways of my motivating myself to do something that sucks.

Here are a few of these thoughts:

A month ago during Bikram Yoga - *It's only 115 degrees in here ... if soldiers in Iraq can stand it for months and years, I can do it for 90 minutes and not embarrass myself by walking out*

Last night during a "hill" in spin class - *My legs are buring, I'm going to quit ... no, no, childbirth would hurt more than this ... and if I think I might do that one day, I must not turn down the intensity on this bike*

Today on the very crowded A train about the fat lady huffing and puffing because I squeezed in next to her - *Lady, I don't mind cuddling you in this subway and I don't even mind it that you are at least 100 lbs overweight. But the fact that you are taking up triple the space that I am and YOU are pissed that I am squeezing in here is retarted and your fault. The MTA should charge fat people more money to ride subways (especially rude ones) since they are lowering the overall capacity of the transit system*

Sooo basically I'm an evil, heinous person and talk to myself in my head. I don't think that's the same as having voices in your head, but gives you some insight into my daily thoughts.

Smooches and smushes xo.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Are you trying to Valentine's Day me?

For those of you who know me well, you know that I do not particularly like Valentine's Day. In high school, I got tons of gifts from my boyfriend (our anniversary also landed 3 days after Vday), but somewhere along the line, this Hallmark holiday lost some of its luster. Let's recap:

Freshman year of college I was dating this guy, we'll call him Spank. Spank and I met on my 18th birthday at freshman orientation for college. I was a freshman, he was an orientation leader who unknowingly jumped into my Mom's car. Even though I had instructed her never to tell anyone at the college that it was my birthday, Spank jumped in and mom screamed "IT'S HER 18TH BIRTHDAY, THIS BETTER BE A FUN WEEKEND!" ... fail. Spank surprised my 18 year old naive self with balloons and a cake and 300 other freshmen singing to me at dinner that night. I.WAS.IN.LOVE. I stalked his AIM away message/profile all summer after that (days before facebook, we had to work much harder to stalk) and finally upon return for freshman year to begin, it was time for me to make my move. My move was sly - show up at any and all events that he might be going to including (but not limited to) Orientation Leader tryouts, Greek Life events (barf), Student Tour Guide interviews (he wasn't even a tour guide, but just in case - needed to cover my bases). Finally, right around fall break I had a steady stream for me and my friends to his frat parties, free rides there, free beer when we got there, and a crazy flirtation going on. Then, it happened. During fall break, Spank asked me if I would stay up at school and come to a "party". Knowing that most other girls (read: competition) would be home for the weekend, I agreed. I told my mom that I was sleeping at a friends house and I went back to school. The "party" was his best friend, that guy's girlfriend, and a few other dudes. Nice. We played the most insane game of beer pong for most of the night. They covered the ENTIRE table with cups and it took a good 2 hours to knock them all out. Once everyone was sufficiently inebriated, there was only one cup on each side. On a side note, I was on Spank's team and had not hit ONE SINGLE CUP (this likely will not come as a surprise to any of you who know me. I own at flip cup and cannot shoot pong for shit). It was my turn to shoot and Spank grabbed my shoulders, stared me in the eyes and said "If you hit this, I will be in love with you for the rest of my life." HOW ROMANTIC. Did I hit the cup? Of course I did. Did I smush with him that night? OF COURSE I DID. The rest is history ... sort of.

After that we were officially a couple. I thought I was the shit because I was dating the social chair of a frat who was 21 and had a car, and he thought he was hot shit because I was at least 20 times hotter than him. His annoying ass self started sleeping in my dorm every single night (he was a commuter - fail) and never leaving me along so I was over it. Valentine's Day rolls around and he goes AWOL for 3 straight days. I called him on Valentine's Day and he said he had to work. Since he was working for the University's security office we slyly had Bacon call up to see if he answered ... he did, bastard.

The day AFTER vday, he decides to show up at my dorm with a 3 foot tall card, some russell stover bullshit that LITERALLY has a CVS clearance sticker on it, and some half dead flowers. Nice try buying me some bullshit the day after, loser. He then invited me to a very important Valentine's Day themed "date party" aka keg at an apartment somewhere where it was hot and overcrowded. I dated this guy straight through April - literally "taking one for the team" because we were getting free beer out of the deal. Not one of my better moments. I cheated on him with Bacon one night and the rest is officially history. Spank never spoke to me again, but I think that him ruining my Valentine's Day might be the root of my hatred for it.

When I started dating Bacon, we had already been friends for the better part of a year, so demanding romantic dates was nearly out of the question. I honestly do not remember what we did for our first Valentine's day (red flag much)? Our "second" Valentine's day, we were not together and he was dating the most heinous bitch that I have ever met. My senior year, we were living 2 hours away from one another, and then when we were 22 we went on a trip to Florida. Was it specifically for Vday? NO. Did he even buy my airfare? Nope. We went to visit his sister, and just happened to be there during Valentine's day .... 5 years of failure rolled up right there.

Fast forward to present day. Hedge asks me if he can make me dinner "for Valentine's Day" some part of me immediately spews out the phrase "I effing hate Valentine's Day". Why? Not sure ... I wouldn't necessarily mind gifts, flowers, etc. He came back at me with "Your pain in the ass-ness is quite charming." ... awesome. So he then said "can I cook you dinner for Sunday"? Blah blah blah. So you already know from my last post that we went for Saturday instead. I was WIPED from Friday night which was awesome. I went out with my new boss, a bunch of Europeans (creeps when they are drunk), and our intern. The intern is hilarious - she asked me to come over this week, smoke pot, eat ice cream, and watch Planet Earth with her - YES PLEASE. I was so hungover on Saturday that I slept until 4 and then got ready and headed to Jersey. Hedge made amazing chicken marsala and we had some vino. We watched 500 Days of Summer and just stayed in because I was so tired/drained (even though he wanted to go out - sweet right?). Anyway, not sure if I said this before but he is REALLY GOOD at sex ... like really good. So that happened.

Sunday morning I couldn't wait to get the hell out of his place and I have no idea why. He was stroking my hair and saying I was gorgeous - my only response was "ARE YOU TRYING TO VALENTINE'S DAY ME?' He laughed for approximately 900 years and said that I am the funniest person he has ever known ... he must not know that many funny people. Anyway, he cooked breakfast and I used the excuse/real life issue of needing to trek back to BK to walk my dog and escaped. I got home and felt like crap the whole day from not sleeping the two nights before that. I got the first two discs of Mad Men from Netflix so I watched those and fell asleep (lame, I know). I woke up to 3 texts about how he misses me and wishes I were still in bed with him. Shouldn't I have butterflies in my stomach or something? Because I don't. I can't tell if I really like him or if I just like the attention which is sad and whoreish. Anyway, gearing up for a really fun weekend coming up so stay tuned.

Smooches and smushes xo

Friday, February 12, 2010

Rule #2 Stop Trying to Hang Out with Me so Much!

Okay so the big news in NYC this week was this heinous snowstorm. I can always work from home, so this was not a big deal to me and, in fact, annoyed me because my manicure place was closed the day I wanted to get a polish change. Not real sure why, in a city where very few people actually drive to get anywhere, the women who keep my nails looking fresh couldn't get to work ... but whatevs.

During what has become my daily (or all day long?) gchat flirting with Sonic on Monday (Hedgehog's new nickname fyi), he decided that we would be hanging out on Thursday night and invited himself to "crash with me in Brooklyn". I agreed and planned for Thursday. A lot goes in to having your "man-guy" sleep over on a school night ... need to clean the apartment, pick out work clothes for the next day so that he doesn't have to witness my daily wardrobe (lack thereof) meltdown, etc. So Tuesday rolls around and we are expecting this crazy blizzard and he asks if he should stay over that night since he was allowed to work from home Wednesday and that we could "get snowed in together". GTL ... I can already hear you saying AWWWWW!!!!! ... just no. I'm not sure how I feel about weekend/multiple times per week hangouts as is let alone working from home together and potentially spending multiple snowed in days getting cabin fever together. My gchat hesitation immediately made him say "you know what? I'm tired, let's keep it Thursday" ... good boy understand my life cues/random hatred of you for no reason. Maybe this one is a keeper.

Nonetheless, Wednesday (along with everyday this week since my boss left for Brazil) was especially gross-tacular and I worked for more than 10 hours with very few breaks to take photos of the snowstorm. You would think that I didn't grow up in the Northeast with the way I was amazed at the storm. Anyway, it was for the best that we did not attempt working from home together - I'm not at that level with him.

Thursday rolled around and he said he would be at my place by 730. He also decided that I will trek to Hoboken on Sunday so that he can cook for me for Valentine's day. I decided to make chicken parm (easy and a general crowd pleaser) and around 720 realized that I didn't own any bread crumbs. FML. I RAN to Walgreens ... apparently that little gem of a pharmacy chain carries everything from SPAM to Afro-Glo, but not breadcrumbs. Literally went into a store called Benhadi Supermarket (can't even make this up) to get the last ingredient I needed to make this gourmet meal designed to woo him with my "domestic skills" ... who the eff am I kidding? I am not a chef ... anyway ...

He ate my food, said it was good, cuddled with me while watching The Office. He also made a really good attempt at befriending Buster which was cute (but not successful - anytime he came within 6 inches of me, Buster was on my lap cock-blocking). T-Payne came in and of course introdiced himself like they hadn't met and shared a drunken heart to heart two weeks ago and then left. He also realized that I am one of the 1% of people in the US actually required to work on President's Day and was upset. He specifically requested my presence on Valentine's Day because "we don't have work on Monday". I told him German comany ... Germans don't care about US presidents. He changed out VDay "date" to Saturday and is begging me to see Avatar (barf). He is insisting that we see the biggest grossing movie of all time before it's out of the theatres ... I'm not generally impressed by 3 hour long movies :(

So we went to bed after some smushie smush and woke up this morning and commuted to work like a real couple. THEN I realized right around lunchtime that he already has me pinned down for a Saturday to Sunday hangout ... which means I saw him yesterday, this morning, tomorrow, and likely the next day. 4 days in a row is not okay with me and I'm starting to freak out a little. Bottom line ...

Rule #2 Don't Try to Hang Out with Me so Much!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Why am I in New Jersey?

Why am I in NJ was the first thought that I had bright and early on Saturday morning ... next thought was "whoops". Let's back up about 12 hours and see what happened, shall we?

I went out to dinner with Hedgehog at Rosa Mexicana on the East side. We had sangria, great conversation, etc and then left to go to a bar. I'm 99% sure that he thinks I'm an alcoholic and just tries to impress me with booze and beer all the time. After 3 drinks he looked me dead in the eyes and said "So are we getting out of here? I can't wait to have you to myself." My normal self would have flipped the f*ck out and been annoyed and left without him, but my pitcher of sangria + many beers self was down for this. I told him that I couldn't stay up late because I had friends coming on Saturday (who had already texted me that they weren't coming due to the impending snow storm so I'm not real sure why I was lying, but I am also learning to embrace and love my drunk lies because they are hilarious and unnecessary). We got into a cab and he said Hoboken - I heard it, but did not protest since I was blacking out.

His apartment is AWESOME. He has a huge studio with views of the city but I was not that impressed with it when I woke up after a night of smushing, makeup still on my face, and realizing that my dog was probably committing suicide (don't ever get a dog). I stayed for a while, he made me eggs, we watched some of the movie Baby Mama (weird? a little.), and then he walked me to the PATH train ... the minute he walked away I hailed a cab I was not screwing around when it came to getting home as quickly as possible to walk the dog/go back to sleep. My favorite part of the ride home was texting all of my friends "Why did I wake up in NJ?" Responses included ... "Please tell me Hoboken at least" and "I hope he paid for your cab ride home." I have the best friends in the world <3 BAHAHAH

I slept most of Saturday away and then ended up going out in Brooklyn with a guy friend. We went to a spot called Camp which was awesome and looked like a summer camp (complete with the ability to make smores at your table - pretty cute). I was blackout drunk since I was obvi watching Mean Girls and drinking an entire bottle of wine while waiting for him to get to my place so when we got there and bought drinks I also gave the bartender an Amtrak ticket stub. He was impressed that we were "from Philly" and started giving us shots of Jameson for free... EPIC FAIL. I do not remember how I got home, but I woke up in my bed with my retainer in (thank god I remembered to wear that when I was blacking out).

Yesterday I walked to the grocery store and bought stuff to make my mac n cheese (I put prosciutto in it this time instead of ham ... genius) and GTL's buffalo chicken dip. I hung out by myself refusing to get off the couch and ate both of those things til I wanted to die of stomach pain and heartburn. Hedgehog texted me asking if I was busy this week and if he could come cook dinner with me and crash in BK Thursday night... he is trying to be my boyfriend and I don't know how I feel about it. YIKES.

Til next time ...

Smooches and Smushes

Monday, February 1, 2010

Weekend Update

Friday night I went out with my UES native friend "J-Wow" and a bunch of people who went to college with us but I didn't know. One kid was hitting on me and when Hedgehog showed up he was totally not impressed. This boy said "what is he, 30? you can do better than that you're beautiful". While I was semi-pissed that this man-child was making fun of Hedgehog, he is still cute and I will likely try to make out with him at some point if I drunkenly see him again ... In other news, J-Wow and her friends from work left the bar and before I knew it, it was just me and Hedge. We left to grab taxis back home and I looked at him and without even thinking blurted out "Sooo you coming to Brooklyn?" In the cab I let him know that I was not going to smoosh with him because "I'm not slutty" ... not sure why drunk me thinks/says that I'm not slutty because it is a total lie.

Anyway, we get back to Brooklyn and in the elevator of my building when I hear "Well isn't this cute?" ... it was the voice that I would learn to dread this weekend of my roommate henceforth known as T-Payne. T-Payne is 11 years older than me and our roomie situation is hilarious at best and horrendous at worst. Usually, he is quiet and works alot so we don't mind each other, but this weekend was a whole different story. We get into the apartment and T-Payne starts talking to Hedgehog (and pouring him Johnny Walker Gold ... barf) about his relationship woes and other things that my date does not want to be hijacked/talked to about at 4 am the first time he comes home with me. I finally got him back and into my bed ... let's just say that him being 7 years older is a better thing than I thought. He was probably a bit of a man-whore in his hay day (like when he wasn't old and was my age) and it has paid off ... just sayin. This is this first time I've been with a guy who made it all about me instead of just trying to get theirs ... and I loved it. We went to sleep at like 8 am - got a few hours of rest, then I had to wake up and put my bedroom back together because one of my besties was coming to visit!!

I sent Hedgehog home and met up with Polly Pocket and another friend in Gramercy at 5 pm. I felt like I was still wasted even that late, but GTL let me know via text message that I was probably just sleep deprived. Best text quote from the weekend was when I complained to her that Hedge was probs taking a nap and she replied that her older man-guy was too and said "Old livers can't hang. FAIL" ... love it.

Polly and I went to see her friend in an off broadway production of a Shakespeare play. That is a little rough for me to digest on a good day ... and this was not a good day. Hungover, sleep deprived, and not understanding old English, I was waiting for it to end. Polly's friend did a great job in the show, just not my thing (and I was totally relieved when she leaned over to say "I effing hate Shakespeare" - that's my girl!)

That night we went for a few drinks and headed back to Brooklyn. No sign of T-Payne so that was great ... until he burst into my room at 6 am completely smashed. He spent about 45 minutes harrassing me and Polly and making completely heinous claims like "You get points for living with a black dude." Polly asked "How many points does she get and how can she redeem them?" Not sure where he was going with that, but I was finally able to kick him out of my room and go back to sleep.

It was an amazing weekend filled with JWow, Polly, and smooshing .... til next time

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Rule #1 Don't Be Prettier Than Me

I'm going to start making up rules for the dudes that I date ... the rules are in the order that I decide/discover that they exist, not in order of importance.

Rule #1: Don't be prettier than me

Last night was quite interesting. After a guy hitting on me/asking me out because I watch basketball I did not expect what was coming ...

He asked me to meet him at my fave vino bar in my work neighborhood and before I got there I had successfully put 2 runners in my tights with my own high heel and wore my fave silk dress to work that day to impress. I went to a CVS and bought new tights and put them on before the date and was laughing at myself because really? I'm human, everyone gets a runner and this guy was not uptight. OMG AM I GLAD I BOUGHT NEW ONES ... I walk in to see Scotty Reynolds all decked out in designer jeans, a cashmere sweater, carrying a Louis Vuitton tote ... wtf?

He was judging my outfit and talking with his hands so I'm fairly sure he was closeted. We had some excellent wine (which he chose and informed me that he only likes good wine) and had a good conversation, but he was not my speed at all. Between his parent's estate in Connecticut and their place in Hawaii where they "winter" (is winter even a verb? apparently so) I was in over my head with this one. We gave each other the ass out hug and said "get home safely" as we rushed for cabs ... if he calls again I will literally die laughing. So long Scotty, er I mean Louis ... Hedgehog is still in first place.

I made myself feel better by calling a girlfriend - who will be known on this blog as GTL - and complaining. She is cheering for Hedgehog anyway so she loved it. Then I bought myself some designer jeans today so that I can feel comfortable this weekend when they arrive knowing that my ass looks great and that Scotty Reynolds wouldn't be interested in it anyway because he likes dudes (no Louis tote though, sorry to disappoint) ... retail therapy ahhhhh

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Makeout Sesh

I had a date with Hedgehog last night. We went to dinner at an Italian spot and as usual, I was flipping out beforehand. I was totally not into it and felt awkward blah blah blah.

Pizza and a bottle wine cured my woes and I decided once again that I like this guy. We went to an NYU dive bar (my favorite kind of place) afterwards and had beer then he went in for the kill. We had a few cute kisses and then made out a little before I got in a taxi to go home. He also asked me to hangout on a weekend instead of a work night ... is this taking things to the next level? I feel like a strictly after work dating schedule kind of keeps him out of the boyfriend realm. UGGGHHH I like this guy but I am not ready for another relationship and I feel like after the third date it is a very slippery slope so not sure what to do here!

Nonetheless, a new prospect has emerged thanks to my consistent drunken state on weekends. I was at the bar this weekend and staring at the tv (college basketball though I couldn't tell you what game if my life depended on it). He said that I was the only girl in the place watching the game and I replied that I went to a basketball school and "I like winning March Madness brackets". Apparently he though my beligerence was charming and turns out that he went to our rival school and he will only be referred to as Scotty Reynolds moving forward for obvious reasons.

Scotty looks like a Ken doll and we have a date tonight at my fave wine bar in the West Village. Thing is, after kissing Hedgehog last night I am dreading this wine date ... I suck at dating!!

Stay tuned for the Scotty update tomorrow!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Back in the Swing of Things

REFRESHING! Met a guy last night for after work drinks. I almost cancelled like 10 times and I'm not so sure why I was nervous. This guy runs a hedge fund so he will be referred to as "Hedgehog" on this blog.

So for some reason I was freaking out before I went to meet up with this guy and I kept signing on to gmail and saying "If he is on gchat, I'm just having an emergency and cancelling" ... I ended up going and as I walked up to him I literally said under my breath "I want to commit suicide right this minute" I have NO clue why I was in such a weird mood. For the first 10-15 minutes I felt a little awks then all of the sudden I felt totally at ease and ended up hanging out with him for 4 hours. No weird stories here, he is just a cool and nice guy ... wtf? This is awesome! Typical, but I met him at a bar during happy hour one day and when friends ask where we met and I say "at a bar" it's lame. Hedgehog and I agreed to this so today we've been chatting on gmail all day coming up with a cooler story about how we met to tell people. Here is what we have so far ...

A dangerous criminal was running down the street getting chased by cops. The cops violently pushed me out of the way and he caught me/saved my life from an oncoming bus. Next, the cops randomly fired their guns and Hedgehog was hit in the shoulder and in a coma for 5 days. I sat by his bedside waiting for him to wakeup ... then we met for after work drinks a few weeks later.

Could it be that I found someone who is just as nerdy as I am? ... Maybe, we'll see!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

3 for 3 in 2010

Why is it that when in a relationship women tend to get into this motherly/wifely role? Well maybe not all women, but I definitely do. And furthermore, every single time I become single, I completely revert back to a 16 year old first time drinker who parties every night and cannot discern the difference between a casual drink and total obliteration. Let's recap ...

Weekend 1: NYE 2010 ... I drank and drank and drank, made a fool of myself in front of some amazing best friends and some strangers. Awesome? Not so much ... I woke up at 4 am already hungover and spent most of the next day in the bathroom and my friend's bed. Fun night, not so fun next few days that it took to recover.

Weekend 2: Atlantic City with my 4 favorite girl friends ... it was an amazing night filled with VIP Bottle Service, stripper poles, and crashed bachelor parties. Everything you hope a night of debauchery with your besties would be. What did I come home with? A camera full of hilarious pictures and memories with my faves, a softball sized bruise, and another 2 day hangover.

Weekend 3: Bon Voyage party for my boss who is working overseas for a few months ... the party is not even to blame. Spent about an hour at my friends house drinking tequila sunrises and then took a shot of Patron. We then walked from Soho to the East Village and stopped at bars along the way. I could barely stand by the time I got to the party but kept drinking anyway. Result? Third Saturday in a row spent vomiting and/or in bed.

Moral of the story? I need to pull it together immediately and learn my limits/not try to keep up with the boys because this is just not working out.

So cheers to drinking less ... or at least being prepared with a pillow and blanket in the bathroom for my Saturday mornings.

Monday, January 11, 2010

crazy dates

Dating has been really interesting after a life of watching Blockbusters and eating pizza counting as "dates". For the first time in my adult life, I have actually been asked out and the dates have been all over the place. Fun, exciting, awkward, and sometimes even funny. I tend to think of myself as pretty funny in general, so maybe my spin on things makes a normal situation awkward. Like I said, I'm total drama so decide for yourself if I am making too big of a deal on these next few stories...

The night after Bacon and I broke up, I made out with some guy and we exchanged numbers. After deciding to drunk text him THAT NIGHT I realized that I could very quickly fall into the dangerous spiral of being a clingy, rebounding, drunk dial offender so naturally I immediately deleted his number the next morning. One day later to my complete surprise, he called and asked me to go out that weekend. I accepted and was super pumped for the date. At this point, I was still living with Bacon and did not mention the upcoming date to him the whole week. On Friday, I took the day off and spent the time cleaning my entire apartment and getting ready for my date. At about 3 pm he cooly said "What are you doing tonight, moping around and self medicating with wine?" I replied with "Going on a date, have fun working on your car or circle jerking or whatever it is that you do with your nights off..." Practically had to pick his jaw up off of the floor. In our 5 year relationship, that is probably the first time that I actually stood up to him I was so excited.

The date that night was a ton of fun. We went to a comedy club, walked all through the city, and ended up at an amazing jazz club in the village until 3 am. As you may know, NYC subways after hours are not reliable and it took me 2 hours to get home ... FAIL. I walked in at 5 am drunk, exhausted, but euphoric having spent the evening with a responsible adult male who was trying to impress me instead of upset me for once. I walked in to the apartment being destroyed. I thought that Bacon had a party that night but later learned that he was drinking alone because he was so upset about my date. Also, his laptop was opened to his new eharmony account ... and so it began haha.

Anyway the guy I went on a date with asked me out again that Sunday to watch football. I went, but was totally unimpressed (here is where I think I'm a little crazy). We went to a pub and were drinking beer when he said we should order food. I went for the quesadilla and mozz sticks, he ordered a salad. I must have had a surprised look on my face because he looked at me and said "I'm just a skinny guy." I wanted to vom right there when I realized my arms were fatter than his and I immediately decided that I would never sleep with him. He insisted on driving me home an hour and a half away which was awkward. Especially when he pulled over on the highway to get a drink because his "mouth was dry from the beer and that can't be nice to kiss" ... ew just don't speak anymore. I spent weeks blowing this guy off until he finally got the point.

The last date I went on was way better ... kind of. This guy was a consultant. I'm going to call him FlierMiles because he kept bringing the conversation back to how he travels so much and gets access to the lounges in airports ... cool. So you get sit in a lounge with less people in the quiet? I much prefer to people watch and find things to make fun of, but whatever. We had a few drinks and as I jumped in the cab back to my apartment he said I should "be adventurous and take the subway." ... Maybe he should be adventurous and fly coach on his next trip. Anyway, he is now in London for work for the next 3 weeks and asked if I would like to have dinner at an authentic Mexican place when he gets back. It reminds him of an actual place in Mexico City that he has been to... when he was there for work ... which he flew to in business class after spending his waiting time in the lounge :)

getting caught up on the drama

Let me start out by saying that this blog is my outlet. I tend to attract major drama and have to re tell many stories a bunch of times. Basically, I need my own reality show, but figured that an anonymous blog is much less professionally and personally damaging. I'm in my 20s, starting fresh in NYC this week and plan on having a ton of fun and drama in the coming years. Pretty sure most girls can relate, so feel free to comment and join in on the fun ... here we go.

My whole life I've been serial monogamous. Jumped from high school boyfriend to college boyfriend and dated him until about 2 months ago. I thought I was headed down the aisle in the next 2 years or so when I got a speech that LITERALLY included the sentence "You are 99% perfect for me and my wife will be 100% perfect." ... vom he is so gross. Let's back up a minute. This guy who I thought was the love of my life is a cop (nicknamed in this blog Bacon to protect the guilty). Bacon moved in with me as soon as he started his job and we bought 2 dogs together - the whol picture perfect life. Shortly thereafter he cheated on me with a girl that he arrested on her SECOND dui ... again, this is just gross. We were still living together for a few months (think the movie the Breakup - totally awful when you're living it). He then decided that he needed to be single after dui girl tried to screw him over by telling her lawyer that the cop was hitting on her ... etc.

So naturally when trying to be single after a 5 year long relationship that you're still kind of in since you're sharing a one bedroom apartment HE JOINED EHARMONY. His new eharmony girlfriend seems nice, but she has friended me on facebook and keeps "liking" my pictures ... so fucking weird. I only friended her back so that she could look at the 1000+ pics of me and Bacon and feel sad about it ... I don't think it's working.

So once we finally moved out (I had to do all of the work to find a sublessee and Bacon just took his clothes and peaced out), I had about a month living at my parents house until my new lease started. Nothing like crawling back home with your tail between your legs and not being anywhere near NYC for an entire month ... putting a huge damper on my dating and social life!

Anyway, I move back to NYC this weekend and cannot wait to share my adventures with all of you!