Monday, February 15, 2010

Are you trying to Valentine's Day me?

For those of you who know me well, you know that I do not particularly like Valentine's Day. In high school, I got tons of gifts from my boyfriend (our anniversary also landed 3 days after Vday), but somewhere along the line, this Hallmark holiday lost some of its luster. Let's recap:

Freshman year of college I was dating this guy, we'll call him Spank. Spank and I met on my 18th birthday at freshman orientation for college. I was a freshman, he was an orientation leader who unknowingly jumped into my Mom's car. Even though I had instructed her never to tell anyone at the college that it was my birthday, Spank jumped in and mom screamed "IT'S HER 18TH BIRTHDAY, THIS BETTER BE A FUN WEEKEND!" ... fail. Spank surprised my 18 year old naive self with balloons and a cake and 300 other freshmen singing to me at dinner that night. I.WAS.IN.LOVE. I stalked his AIM away message/profile all summer after that (days before facebook, we had to work much harder to stalk) and finally upon return for freshman year to begin, it was time for me to make my move. My move was sly - show up at any and all events that he might be going to including (but not limited to) Orientation Leader tryouts, Greek Life events (barf), Student Tour Guide interviews (he wasn't even a tour guide, but just in case - needed to cover my bases). Finally, right around fall break I had a steady stream for me and my friends to his frat parties, free rides there, free beer when we got there, and a crazy flirtation going on. Then, it happened. During fall break, Spank asked me if I would stay up at school and come to a "party". Knowing that most other girls (read: competition) would be home for the weekend, I agreed. I told my mom that I was sleeping at a friends house and I went back to school. The "party" was his best friend, that guy's girlfriend, and a few other dudes. Nice. We played the most insane game of beer pong for most of the night. They covered the ENTIRE table with cups and it took a good 2 hours to knock them all out. Once everyone was sufficiently inebriated, there was only one cup on each side. On a side note, I was on Spank's team and had not hit ONE SINGLE CUP (this likely will not come as a surprise to any of you who know me. I own at flip cup and cannot shoot pong for shit). It was my turn to shoot and Spank grabbed my shoulders, stared me in the eyes and said "If you hit this, I will be in love with you for the rest of my life." HOW ROMANTIC. Did I hit the cup? Of course I did. Did I smush with him that night? OF COURSE I DID. The rest is history ... sort of.

After that we were officially a couple. I thought I was the shit because I was dating the social chair of a frat who was 21 and had a car, and he thought he was hot shit because I was at least 20 times hotter than him. His annoying ass self started sleeping in my dorm every single night (he was a commuter - fail) and never leaving me along so I was over it. Valentine's Day rolls around and he goes AWOL for 3 straight days. I called him on Valentine's Day and he said he had to work. Since he was working for the University's security office we slyly had Bacon call up to see if he answered ... he did, bastard.

The day AFTER vday, he decides to show up at my dorm with a 3 foot tall card, some russell stover bullshit that LITERALLY has a CVS clearance sticker on it, and some half dead flowers. Nice try buying me some bullshit the day after, loser. He then invited me to a very important Valentine's Day themed "date party" aka keg at an apartment somewhere where it was hot and overcrowded. I dated this guy straight through April - literally "taking one for the team" because we were getting free beer out of the deal. Not one of my better moments. I cheated on him with Bacon one night and the rest is officially history. Spank never spoke to me again, but I think that him ruining my Valentine's Day might be the root of my hatred for it.

When I started dating Bacon, we had already been friends for the better part of a year, so demanding romantic dates was nearly out of the question. I honestly do not remember what we did for our first Valentine's day (red flag much)? Our "second" Valentine's day, we were not together and he was dating the most heinous bitch that I have ever met. My senior year, we were living 2 hours away from one another, and then when we were 22 we went on a trip to Florida. Was it specifically for Vday? NO. Did he even buy my airfare? Nope. We went to visit his sister, and just happened to be there during Valentine's day .... 5 years of failure rolled up right there.

Fast forward to present day. Hedge asks me if he can make me dinner "for Valentine's Day" some part of me immediately spews out the phrase "I effing hate Valentine's Day". Why? Not sure ... I wouldn't necessarily mind gifts, flowers, etc. He came back at me with "Your pain in the ass-ness is quite charming." ... awesome. So he then said "can I cook you dinner for Sunday"? Blah blah blah. So you already know from my last post that we went for Saturday instead. I was WIPED from Friday night which was awesome. I went out with my new boss, a bunch of Europeans (creeps when they are drunk), and our intern. The intern is hilarious - she asked me to come over this week, smoke pot, eat ice cream, and watch Planet Earth with her - YES PLEASE. I was so hungover on Saturday that I slept until 4 and then got ready and headed to Jersey. Hedge made amazing chicken marsala and we had some vino. We watched 500 Days of Summer and just stayed in because I was so tired/drained (even though he wanted to go out - sweet right?). Anyway, not sure if I said this before but he is REALLY GOOD at sex ... like really good. So that happened.

Sunday morning I couldn't wait to get the hell out of his place and I have no idea why. He was stroking my hair and saying I was gorgeous - my only response was "ARE YOU TRYING TO VALENTINE'S DAY ME?' He laughed for approximately 900 years and said that I am the funniest person he has ever known ... he must not know that many funny people. Anyway, he cooked breakfast and I used the excuse/real life issue of needing to trek back to BK to walk my dog and escaped. I got home and felt like crap the whole day from not sleeping the two nights before that. I got the first two discs of Mad Men from Netflix so I watched those and fell asleep (lame, I know). I woke up to 3 texts about how he misses me and wishes I were still in bed with him. Shouldn't I have butterflies in my stomach or something? Because I don't. I can't tell if I really like him or if I just like the attention which is sad and whoreish. Anyway, gearing up for a really fun weekend coming up so stay tuned.

Smooches and smushes xo

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