Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Straw that Broke the 30 Year Old's Back

So the long awaited event of Hot Pocket visiting (me and Polly Pocket's other college roomie) finally rolled around this past weekend. I don't think that I am going to capture all of the gems that happened this weekend in this blog post, but I'm going to give it a good shot.

Friday: I worked from home, knowing that HP would be showing up before I would have gotten home from the office. I went to Walgreens to buy gum and some microwavable mac and cheese to cure my hangover and also found an Ed Hardy air freshener and decided that buying it as a gift for HP would be the best way to welcome her to Brooklyn. While ringing up, the air freshener had no barcode so as a line formed behind me, a man announced "Price check on this Ed Hardy car fragrance". I could feel my face turning bright red, but also thought that this event kicking off the weekend was the best possible sign and moved on. HP arrived around 3 pm and I was still working so she napped on the couch and I had some conference calls including one with my VP who was more concerned with "what time are you going to start drinking and are you still hungover from last night?" than the actual work. Glad that my general life priorities are becoming well known. HP and I ordered pizza for dinner and started texting TI-83 to see what he was up to. TI-83 is my best guy friend here in the city, but he also happened to live next to HP, Polly, and I during college. His response was that there was a group of people playing Rockband and getting drunk in his apartment and that we should come over. We ate pizza, drank 2 bottles of wine and were on our way to Soho. Upon our arrival, we quickly realized/loved that there were 2 of us and 5 guys. We whipped out our "contribution" to the party which was airplane bottles of Sambuca and Jaegar and a classy 2009 Shiraz which we immediately started referring to as "my grape drink". After polishing the baby Sambuca (7 people, not that hard if everyone takes a little sip) and HP and I finishing our 3rd bottle of the night, we were ready to go out. Two of the guys that we didn't know said they had an important proposition which was "If you give us that baby Jaegar, we will buy you shots at the bar."

We got the this place called RBar and they wanted us to pay $40 for our group and wait in line for 45 minutes since there was a private party going on. I'm not sure how other people feel about exclusivity, but I'm just trying to get my party on at all times and could give a shit about where so waiting in line (esp in February) is not my thing. THANK GOD TI-83 and his roommate share this sentiment so we left and went to one of their regular spots. After one 20oz beer each and the shots of tequila that we traded for, HP and I were in rare form. At this bar, you could order food and instead of doing so, HP stood next to a couple and screamed to me "I'm going to steal their pizza." The dude turned around and said that he was finished with it, so she could have it to which she replied "What? I'm not trying to steal your pizza, I'm just looking at this beer (pointing at the tap)." Then she grabbed the pizza and ran back to us where we rejoiced in her food creeping abilities and ate the slices - good job. A few minutes later, HP was passing out at the bar and I was reaching my "I LOVE THIS SONG" about every song that came on stage. We decided to go to the next place and hailed a taxi. By this point, there were 5 of us so we tried to squish 4 people in the back and one person up front. This is usually okay to do in NYC, but this cabbie was not impressed. He started yelling (imagine the Indian accent here) "THIS IS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW" ... we all quickly jumped out except for one of TI-83's friends who started punching the plexiglass window in the cab. He then got out and started kicking the cab (I was laughing at the violence) and yelling "yea, drive away - what?" Loves it.

We finally got another cab and got to yet another place where we were asked to wait in line. HP started drunkenly mumbling (with eyes close) "Let the girls in" - we were the only 2 girls in the line. Some dude in front of us starts mocking her in this annoying voice and she stands straight up, opens her eyes fully for the first time in about 30 minutes and says "You are balding" - the guy was totally bald. I died laughing and took that as a cue that the night (at 1 am) was over. HP, TI-83, and I went to the pizza place next door and dined on some on NYCs finest cuisine for the 3rd time in about 6 hours. HP used almost an entire shaker cheese bottle on one slice and I was so happy to see bacon on pizza that I ordered a slice and kept the topic of conversation at the table on the gloriousness of bacon until we were done.

Before HP came up, we talked about the possibility of her meeting Sonic. I explained thoroughly that I refuse to have a boyfriend right now and that I'm disappointing myself by only having sex with one person since me and Bacon broke up so that it was ending, but I would like her to meet him for context. She agreed and also tried to help me devise a plan where we could use his apartment in Hoboken during Irish weekend event though he would be out of town. I briefly mentioned to him that HP would be here and that we would text him where we were to potentially meet up. In no way did I ever confirm or committ to any plans with him for the weekend. What I did wake up to were BBMs from 230 am:
  • Woe
  • Wow
  • Really?
  • Okay
  • I'm surprisef
  • surprised
Yup, nope. This is officially more over than it ever needed to be because you got weird. Have a nice life, cling-master. Friday night and me not inviting him out have sinceforth become known as "the straw that broke the 30 year olds back" ... looks like I am in desperate need of someone to smush ... that was getting way too easy/frequent anyway and was ruining my ability to be a whore without feeling guilty. Done.

Saturday: We woke up and walked around Brooklyn for a while (gorgeous weekend in NYC), cooked every kind of comfort food ever, and probably consumed 9,000 calories each during the day. We napped while intermittently watching a marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians until about 7pm when TPayne came home from a shopping trip. He said he had been "drinking and smoking all day" HA. He dropped off his "fresh gear" into his room and left for a trip to Walgreens. He came back with a bag full of candy and passed out eating the candy and watching Harry Potter by 9pm. Awesome.

After eating all day and napping for the entire afternoon, we decided to rally around 11pm and meet the girls at my fave place in the West Village. There was a huge group of us including JWow, her sister, and a few others that we went to college with. It was a total blast and we decided to leave for a new place. We again, pushed 5 people into one cab and the cabbie was not pleased. JWow put her head down in the back and we pretended there were 4 of us. Some quotes from JWow's high school/lifelong BFF (and UES native) in the front seat:

"5 people? No, there are 4 of us deal with it. Are you smokin the reefer in here? If you don't just drive I'm calling my dad who is cop and telling him that you are high and putting our lives in danger with your reefer smoking."

"What's your name? You don't know, hmm I don't trust this, let's close this window between us for safety/the sake of my nostrils, it smells gay in here."

"Are you gay? You have a girlfriend? Oh. Do you ever do her up the ass and pretend like you're riding David Hasselhoff? Yes you do, don't lie."

Yea, it was one of those nights. We got to the next place which had another line - fail. The other 3 girls eventually got in, but my zero tolerance for lines came out when I started screaming in a crowd of people "Unless Justin Timberlake is in that bar waiting to eat me out, I am not waiting in this line." I'm the epitome of class.

HP and I walked a half block to another bar where I had been once before and loved. This place has great live music and a cool jazz club vibe. We went in, got some drinks and the hilarity ensued. During a break for the band, 3 Beyonce songs came on in a row and when Bootylicious came on, it was too much for HP to handle. She jumped up and down and fell on a pole (think a pole that would support velvet rope). People pointed and laughed and we decided that this was a sign of good things to come, high fived a few on-lookers, and kept dancing to Bootylicious. Minutes later, a woman who barely spoke English grabbed us and said that we had to meet her friend. "He is hetero. No gay. This is important." We said hi to him and quickly retreated back to our spots at the bar. We were then approached by a guy who claimed to have a band and was a total freakin weirdo, so we did what came naturally. Whipped out our blackberrys and friended him. At this point, it was 3 am and I was pretty ready to finish my beer and call it a night. HP found an airplane bottle in her purse, dumped it in her drink and asked the bartender for "more Sprite" - genius.

We left the bar and walked up the street to the most crowded McDonald's that I had ever seen. Who ever had the business idea to put a 24 hour Mickey D's on a street full of bars was a genius. We were in line behind some bitch who was staing at HP so she obviously stared right back and started making comments... loves it. When that girl felt sufficiently threatened, she left McDonald's (we are alpha bitches and made her leave with our hateful stares) we were bitching about her when the very cute guy in front of us said "are you talking about my girlfriend?" I said that if his gf was the heinous bitch that just stormed out, then yes. We proceeded to spend the 10 minutes in line for nuggets telling these guys that we are sisters, accusing them of being gum ball salesmen for a living, and just being generally 4am obnoxious. They were pleased and impressed with us. They joined us in berating the poor McDonald's workers - one of them placed his order and upon being asked "anything else?" we started screaming that he wanted a side of gumballs and he backed us up on this claim. Mickey D's workers are not impressed by this at 4 am and apparently don't serve gumballs. These guys then joined in on our chant "we want olympic sauce" until they brought us some sort of chili something (I don't eat this crap enough to know if this is actually branded as Olympic sauce, but I went with it). We stood with these guys and ate our food, found out that they both live in Brooklyn - talked about sharing cabs home, decided against it, got more facebook friends, and then left.

On the cabride home, HP took my phone and drunk dialed EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHE KNEW in there. The only people that were spared:
  • Bacon because she hates him
  • GTL because I convinced her that she would not be impressed and would kill someone if she received a call at 4 am
  • My boss who is living in Brazil because I explained that it was 7am there and it would not be nice to interrupt sleep for our entertainment (but somehow calling everyone on the east coast when it was 4 am - totally acceptable)
Out of the 25+ people that we called, the only people to respond were:
  • Dude that I was smushing with when Bacon and I broke up Junior year of college, though he had no idea who it was and didn't have my number so we texted him obnoxious things until 5 am
  • Guy that I had a huge crush on when I was abroad with him summer before senior year - he actually CALLED back. I decided that next time I'm in Philly I'm going to try to make out with him.
  • Creeper that drove us to the bar every day during college/loved all of us but none of us ever even kissed him
  • My sister (but not until 10am)
  • Kid from college that we will call Brewster with a 9 am text saying "thank you for the 345 am call". I responded - you are welcome.
Sunday: When we woke up this morning, we decided that we are not eating carbs for the next month (successful for today, I might add) except for very important drinking occasions like Irish weekend and next weekend's snow tubing adventure. We spent hours looking at old pictures on facebook and came to the conclusions that we miss having our besties live no more than 50 feet away and that we need to be that skinny again right this minute. We also decided that HP needs to get promoted and move up here. Our goal is to have a camera crew following us around by the end of 2010 ... lofty, but maybe is all else fails we can re-enlist Creeper as our bitch and have him film our nights out so that we can rewatch them and laugh later.

Basically, thanks to some of my best friends, this was an unforgettable weekend and I cannot wait to post some amazing pictures on facebook for all of you to enjoy.

Until next time, smushes and smooches xo.

No comments:

Post a Comment